hey all well I'm at a complete loss with what to do I've had a surf on the web and have found some sights and this came up I think being surrounded by alot of males on this site might give me some perspective on my situation.

If you do not enjoy lengthy threads I'll warn you this one will be a little long.

Without going too much into the very long story i'll give you a summary. I am 24 originally from australia currently working in china for about the last 2 months.

Long story short I was with a girl for about 4.5 years this relationship ended in 2008 in 2009 i met a girl who i will call jane. Jane had also just come out of a long term relationship and we hit it off pretty quickly but like most rebound relationships i think we were just supporting each other through a turbulent time. by the end of 2009 things had kinda fizzled and i was feeling a little smothered in our 'relationship' which had been on and off for some time. in 2010 this continued up until july when I got a job teaching english overseas here in china.

Jane and I had retained a sexual relationship on and off during this period. She had very strong feelings for me but i sadly could not reciprocate them. I do have strong feelings for her but I do not think she is the one I plan to spend the rest of my life with..

I moved to china, the last two months have been the greatest two months of my life I have always dreamed of traveling and seeing many countries and experiencing many things. With this job it is possible.

*insert drum roll*

I get a text from jane out of the blue saying she needed to talk on facebook i had heard her grandpa had died recently so naturally feeling concerned (we have retained a reasonable friendship considering everything we went through) i hopped on skype. And then the famous line all of you have heard that turned your world upside down was said.

"I am pregnant" I was mind blown I asked how long she said around 13 weeks. I asked her is it mine. she told me i'm an idiot of course it is. I asked her how (we nearly always used condoms and the most recent time we didn't she swears she took the after morning pill (in july).

She then tells me she wasn't going to tell me she was planning on moving back to the UK (she is an english nurse working in australia) and she was going to raise it with support from her family (devout catholic). Feeling concerned about the future of my life, her life and this little future he/she's life. I asked her what were the options here.

She told me option 1. I come home and be apart of this baby's life (I am 24 with two degrees both of which don't really qualify me with anything unless i do a masters which i was planning on doing after my travels abroad)

Option 2 she will go to the UK and raise it with her family for help (she has not told her parents yet but says they'll come round to the idea) she will accommodate any reasonable desires of mine to see the future child if/when i want too. she will not demand child support or anything else from me but if i want to help i can.

Abortion apparently is out of the question she's keeping it and is adamant about this (christian ethics although she's not so strict on the whole sex before marriage thing )

So guys (and girls who browse here) I ask you to provide me with some advice. I'm your typical outgoing aussie larrikin. I came from a good home and believe in doing the same. But I fear that if i do go with option 1 I will dedicate my life to this baby but be always on the back foot trying to provide support for it and will never truly be happy with the mother.I will forfeit my dreams of seeing the world experiencing all it has to offer and will resent this down the line despite any happiness i get from raising a child.

If i go with option 2 I am a low down asshole who got a girl pregnant and let her deal with the issue. I will always have that nibbling guilt inside me that a child of mine is growing up in another country somewhere with another family (which is a very nice catholic one by the way) but regardless of the circumstance I can't help wondering how it will always want to know why dad did not want him/her.

What do i do?!?!?!

in summary:

This time of my life has been the happiest ever in many years. for the first time in my life i feel independent and feel like i am achieving things i wanted to do.

my ex is pregnant

take option 1 be apart of this babys life rush into a whichever career option gets me a stable income as fast as i can and just take life from there

take option 2 continue my dreams of traveling knowing the baby will grow up in a catholic home with a good support system but always knowing deep down i abandoned my future offspring simply because i was not ready and dealing with the consequent guilt.

figure something else out.

Some advice would be greatly appreciated I found out last night at 9.30pm chinese time it is now 4.30pm the next day and i've had about one hours sleep.

ps. just a quick addition. my ex was really not keen on me leaving but after i continually told her it was my dream she acknowledged it. I can't help feeling that being a nurse this is an amazing thing for me.

Wow - you have some big decisions in front of you.

I don't have a whole lot of advice on this topic, but I can say one thing - before we had a baby our thought was much more rational. Once we had a baby that rationality was put side by side with some intense feelings both for mom and dad.

Just to say that once the baby comes, plans change and somehow all the ideas of how it might work deviate from the best laid plans.

If you are around the baby, my guess is that this scenario might apply to you.

at the moment no i am not around the baby. I am in another country she still lives in australia. I spoke to my parents they both advise me to stay in china and focus on work for a while my mom and my ex are very close she will be there for her. I will support whatever decisions she makes regarding the child. I have to consider possibilities now whether i go back and commence my masters study whilst doing some sort of part-time work to make ends meet or whether I let her take this child back to the UK as this wasn't planned (at least i didn't plan it). My sister thinks she's psycho has been talking about me since i left knew she didn't want me to leave and believes she is attempting to trap me.


At first I told my sister she's crazy noone would do this but I have to admit the fact we were on and off for two years with many sexual encounters and never had a problem then supposedly on the very last encounter just before I left to china this happens is a bit amazing.

It's a real sticky situation I just don't know what to do

I'm going to be totally straight with you. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but I am just speaking my truth and I would say the same to a friend....

What you want, what "Jane" wants, what anyone else in this story WANTS No longer matters.

Did you ask yourself this... what does the BABY NEED?

I get it. You're 24, you have the world world in front of you, and you don't want to miss out on what's out there... trust me, I've been there. We all have. However, you have a responsibility. For better or worse, you have a responsibility to your child. What happens when you see every corner of this earth and there is nothing left to see? What is out there isn't as important, divine or as infinite as the Love you will share with your child.

I had a piss poor relationship with my dad, I have friends who didn't have a dads, or who's dad left.... it's really important that you be in your child's life.

You don't have to marry "Jane", but you owe it to your kid to be there. You kid didn't even get a chance yet. Didn't even ask to be born.

NOW the bigger question... is it better for your child that you finish school and get a career in which you are able to support them long term? Is teaching english working towards your degree? OR is it part of exploring the world? If you can get on the fast track to finishing grad school and doing what you SHOULD DO.... then do it!

I'll be plain. If you were my friend I would say "Man up, and stop being a little b*tch. You got her pregnant, now deal with it and raise your kid. This baby is going to need a good man in it's life and you need to step up and be that man no matter how hard it is."

That's my advice. The fact that you are looking for an answer is a good sign. Weight your options, figure out what you have to sacrifice and what you should hold on to to improve yourself FOR your baby.

If you want to be safe, wait til she is through her first trimester before making any major changes, (she could miscarry) but at least start planning what you are gonna do.

Btw - Your comment about her decision to keep the baby is poor character. (sex before marriage) It's her body, and it's not her fault she got pregnant, after all, your sperm made it happen. There are plenty of woman with NON CHRISTIAN ethics who choose to keep their baby. That's just plane sexist. She has that right. Plus the fact that her body is changing and filling up with hormones and making space for a life is not an easy thing for a woman to turn her back on. Having an abortion isn't like popping a pimple, either way it's a life changing and very difficult decision.

I thank you for the harsh words andy. Believe me a million possibilities have flown through my head my total sleep now is around 4 hours in 2 days...

I'm seeking advice from alot of people in my life right now. many who know both of us believe she is attempting to trap me. I am leaning towards the 'socially' right thing despite my father and mother both saying this could lead to many regrets in later life.

The only way she can trap you is if you marry her right?

You can be your own person, and set boundaries with your new relationship that are reasonable.

I think it's good that you are leaning towards doing the right thing. Cause after all this is just as much your mistake as it is hers. Whether or not she is "trapping" you or not, you should be there. Doesn't mean you have to give up everything! You know how many people I have met that teach english in China? If she makes it past the first trimester, why not just move back and start your grad degree?

My wife works full time, goes to school part time, and we are expecting. You can do what you wanna do, there are just going to be limits and challenges. You can still get your career going so you can make enough money for you an your kid.

A lot of people say you aren't going to be in the place you wanna be in your career for 10 years. So it might be hard for a while, but I'm sure you can make it work.

Re-evaluate your dreams, and don't give up on the ones that are still realistic and important to you. Be an example to your kid.

and think about this: If really is crazy and trying to trap you... what kind of life do you think this kid is going to have? Crazy manipulative mom anyone? You can be the rock in your kids life. Someone needs to be.