Hey there, fellow dads. I have a son who's now four months old, and one of the biggest challenges I'm facing in parenting is having a different relationship with my mother-in-law (MIL) now.

It's one of those things you just don't think too much about because so much of your attention throughout the pregnancy is focused on the expansion of your immediate family. I didn't realize how much things would change between my MIL and me once the baby came.

She's visited a few times, and each time, I can stand her less than the previous visit. This is causing my wife to be caught in the middle, and I never thought I'd be in this position because it's so clichéd. I don't want my wife or my relationship with my MIL to suffer, but I don't know how to handle it.

I turn to you guys, those who've dealt with this, to see what you did to handle your MILs and what tips you might be able to offer this somewhat new dad. What are healthy boundaries?

Much appreciated!

Not alot to go on there... but I won't pry, and I don't need to know (none of my business)... So I'm going to make assumptions: that you and your wife agree on the points that are bothering you, and that you and your wife have a healthy marriage to begin with, without the MIL. Remove any of those constants and I gots nothin'...


I am of the opinion that your father/child relationship is priority ONE, followed CLOSELY by husband/wife... the SIL/MIL relationship is very far down the list for me. To be fair, I don't have any MIL issues, nor do they live close enough for it to ever be a problem anyway.

If your MIL is just nitpicking you, your job, your house, whatever... then just look past it. It doesn't matter a damn what she thinks. Just walk away, literally. She'll get the hint eventually. Yes, it will be irritating and frustrating, but in the grand scheme of things, her opinion really doesn't matter.

If she is doing things regarding your son that you don't want her doing, things that interfere with you and your wife's parenting, then I say put your foot down. 'Tis much easier for me to say since I don't have to. But she is the Grandma, and when the kid stays with her when he's 5, then it's her rules... but for now, Mom&Dad are in control. Period.

Pick your battles. The kid is what's important. Everything else is just stupid. (I'm working on this applying this advice myself.)

Totally agree with Nik. If it's stuff about the house, or in that category, just let it go. It's just noise. Although, on occasion, I've been known to escort the criticizing grandparent (whether from my side of the family's or the wife's) to the place where they can find the appropriate tools to fix the problem and then walk away. Or hand them a credit card and the keys to the car with directions to the preferred home improvement store where they can find the necessary supplies. But I'm lucky, I have a relationship with all of them where I can say, "if you don't like the situation, change it. Sitting around criticizing it doesn't help anything."

If the issues are regarding your child, then I also agree with Nik, the priority of relationships in my house are also father/child, husband/wife, and then me/inlaws. If you and your wife are solid and in agreement on whatever is troubling you, then take comfort in that and work forward from there.

That's a tough one. As dad's our main responsibility is to have a healthy relationship with our child and partner, all others are secondary. I would talk to your wife and make sure you two are on the same page and figure what you can do to take your wife out o the middle. Good Luck.

To everyone for your input, my sincere thanks. I suppose I did omit that my marriage is great, my wife and I dated for 5 years and have never had a fight, and we communicate very well...even better now that we have a baby!

She knows where I stand, and we're working on how to deal with strains with my mother-in-law and make a better relationship since she has a role as grandma. We come from very different family styles, and our parents have very strong but opposing opinions. You're all right that at the end of the day, my relationship with my wife and son is the most important.

Daddy Brad, have you and Daddy Clay ever made a video about this, or would you?

I think what can really drive dads nuts is a struggle for power, or a sense that you're being criticized. Our place as primary caretakers in this "new dad" role is still a bit tenuous, so I think dads are particularly vulnerable to being challenged by as assertive or critical MIL. We can really feel like we're being pushed out, or aren't having the control we would like over the way the kid is raised.

The thing here is to retain confidence. Raising kids is a long haul, and the bottom line is that if you put in the time, there is no way your MIL is going to have even a fraction of the impact that you are going to have on that kid. Let her fuss and bluster and bitch and mumble, confident in the knowledge that no matter what she says or does, it will fade into the background, and you will still be the father of that child.

We would love to do an episode on this subject. I'll put something up on the production board. Thanks for the suggestion.

I'm no help on this topic...

It begins at the bottom of page 2.

Good luck.

My MIL is driving me a bit nuts too. Sometimes I wonder how they raised 3 kids. She still can't learn how to change the diaper the right way. I don't let her question my authority but it really bugs me when things are not done my way for the baby. I have strong opinions based on what I have read about taking care of babies. When the AAP says that baby should lie on the back and there should be no pillows and my MIL bugs me to put pillows in there I get really bugged. Serenity now, serenity now....