What is your strategy/take on having a little time to yourself? Is this something that you feel is important? Does your spouse feel the same way? Is it something that you have to negotiate? Do you have a quid pro quo arrangement? Or is it something that you feel guilty about?

When you do manage to find time for yourself, how do you spend it?

Give me all you've got on the subject of "Me Time."

That's a tough one. As a SAHD, any family time seems like work. It's critical to have permission to have something to get out or a way to veg out.

I am part of two clubs, I sing in the Philharmonic Chorus and volunteer at church. I also do some tough gardening in our community garden and of course, I brew. I seem to be taking a weekend a month to judge a beer competition somewhere, as long as it doesn't cost too much. Because of my "job" I find myself less in search of "Me Time" and more in search of adult conversation time, and I don't mean of the ChatRoulette form. I even put up with frequent conversation at the Pipe Club that makes the Tea Bag group look like Peace Corp volunteers. Just to hear adult voices.

I've found that me generally comes at the expense of sleep. I run four times a week, typically at 5:30AM. I also stay up after everyone goes to bed for reading, gaming, "The Pacific" or a movie that I know my wife will hate. I don't suggest this. It's a good idea for couples to go to bed together. I would read in bed, but I can't stand the (reality) TV that my wife watches, but I end up watching it anyway. Working on it.

I don't really get to take "guys night out" because somehow travel for work seem to count against this category. Anybody else have this?

Overall, I'm a pretty domesticated guy and don't feel a huge pull to get out of the house. As long as I get a little tube time to myself on the weekends and run in the mornings, that takes care of it pretty well.

But this is an area where I struggle overall.

i would like to get some advice on this as well. i have a 9-5-ish schedule, but my wife has an irregular schedule, so it's especially tricky. hmm, i can see already myself getting whiny about this. anyway, what it boils down to is that quite often i have to get a babysitter if i need to get things done. yes, i feel lame about that, because the boy and i do have fun together, but it seems to be the only way i can get any time for household/recreational pursuits. (and sometimes i just take a nap...)

I struggle with this, too. There are so many hobbies that I would like to pursue that just seem completely impossible for a family man.

I finally understand why all of the people who have actual hobbies tend to be very young or very old - these are the only people who have time!

One thing I have recently initiated in our family is stating very clearly and unequivocally that there will be at least one "Daddy Nap" on the weekend. The wife and kid know to expect it at least once a weekend, so I seem to be able to get away with it.

I maintain that I only get away with it because it is a clearly named and expected event. Otherwise, it would be just be "Daddy not doing what he is supposed to bed doing..."

From this, I conclude that "Me Time" needs to be well-defined and expected. I don't think a responsible, modern Dad can get away with just goofing off whenver.

@sean

I am jealous that you have a nap strategy. I live in fear of being caught napping. There is so much to be done at our house that I can rarely justify a nap (or watching sports on TV during daylight hours). If I'm taking a nap and I hear my wife coming, I'll instinctively leap up and start cleaning under the sofa cushions like that's what I was doing all along.

Pathetic.

Yeah, I've been trying to get started with home brewing for awhile now. I just keep putting off going to the home brew store. It's definitely on my personal "me time" to do list this summer. The couple things that I manage to do are spend a few min here and there on Dad Labs and the net when the boy is napping and I've managed to do some BBQ lately. I smoked some ribs a few weeks ago and I'm smoking a pork butt right now. I do it on a weber kettle and it's pretty time consuming so I can only do it on days that my wife and I are both home. I haven't gone out with the guys in a very very long time. It's mostly a schedule conflict thing. My friends and I both work odd hours. I bet most new dads have this problem though.

This is one area where I'm glad that my wife and I waited until several years into our marriage to start having kids. After almost 10 years together, we can usually tell when the other one wants some time to themselves. We've also figured out how to give that person time, even if it's nothing more than putting on the iPod and reading without distractions while the other one keeps an eye on the baby. That said, I'm fortunate enough to have a wife who generally gets tired well before I do, so when I need some quiet time I just stay downstairs after she and the baby go to bed. It usually works fine for me. As for my wife, she's not shy about asking me to keep an eye on the baby while she soaks in the tub or does whatever else it is that women do when they're alone.

@Daddy Clay

Your sofa must be spotless! OR Your wife is wondering why she still finds change and random things with as many times as she finds you cleaning under the cusions.

For us it's a bit of a quid pro quo situation. My wife is taking karate, and is out training at that two or three times a week. The crew periodically goes out for a drink after a weekend workout. As a result, I don't get too much slack if I want a periodic (about once a month or so) night out with the guys.

The harder part in our house is juggling that fitness time and making that equitable. The dojo times are fixed, so I find I'm the one that's compromising/juggling my workout times more often than not. But it's not too bad.

As for hobbies, I've given up on those until my kids get into middle school. By then, I'm assuming that they'll be independent enough that they'll be off pursuing their own interests and savvy enough to coordinate their own transportation without relying on me all the time. - Hey, a boy can dream, right?!

My Me Time pretty much consists of reading the paper in the can. With three young ones and one of them 10 months old my time is already spoken for with other duties. I accepted that mornings from 5 to 6 will be my time, which will have to be dedicated to exercise because I am turning into a blob, but this too must wait until the little dude decides cut out his 12 2 and 4 crying sessions. To tired at 5.

Yesterday I had an unusually difficult day with my son. He was crazy whiney and just generally unhappy all day. I think the teething process has kicked into high gear or something. He doesn't seem sick either, just a weird day.

Anyway, after my wife came home I asked her to watch the boy while I went to the store to get something to make for dinner. My plan was to reward myself with a beer at the bar, maybe watch a little ESPN then go to the store. Well, I get there and they were closed. Just one of the perks of living in a small town. "Me Time" FAIL. When I got home I had a monkey touches monolith moment.(cue music) I will turn my garage into MAN LAND. I have an extra couch just sitting there already. All I need is a beer fridge and a TV. So I went inside and declared the sovereignty of Man Land. My wife actually supports it! "Me Time" WIN. So to end this long story I sat on a couch thats covered with a tarp, put my feet up on my lawn mower and had a beer in SILENCE. It was great!

Good luck with that, Bob. I have a den AND a cave AND the garage but I spend almost no time in any of them. Maybe I'll try to change that this summer.

When you go to make a beer fridge, I have some pointers. There should be brewery in KC that sells beer in 5 gallon kegs. That's the way to go. The place in Indianapolis that has a Keg Club has an $80 membership fee (deposit) and refils of the 5.3 gallon keg at about $50. That's $1 a pint.

Now the rest of the system won't be cheap, but it's a good way to go.

I need to get some of this documented...

It's not about drinking a lot, but having the option whenever you want and not having to drink a bottle at a time and paying $2 for 12 oz.

Yeah this is tough. I usually know a few nights a week where the wife has her shows in the bedroom and i can catch up on my shows in the family room.

Then on the weekends I usually get the kids' nap time to myself. The kids are 26 and 11 months so it's sometimes 3 hours and i can watch golf or baseball. During NFL season the wife knows Dolphins games are dad time. Thats the only time I flex my "muscles" on me time.

Oh and i do get to play golf but usually with my father in law so I don't get gult for that.

The father in law golf card is bullet proof, sucks mine lives in New Mexico and hasn't played golf in 30 years. I have carved out Longhorn Football and Basketball games as me time, it's even better as my oldest son is really starting to dig the games. The more sports you can encourage your children to watch the better!

Nope. No strategy here, though I seriously need one before I lose my mind. I'm a a SAHD PLUS I work from home all day Saturday/Sunday. My wife works midnights, 7 days on/7 days off.

So, basically I have a 5 day stretch every other week when we are both off. The first day is usually a wash since the wife is catching up on sleep. 4 days left, there are all sorts of things to get done around the house, wife has stuff to do, etc., etc. Somehow a chunk of 'me time' never seems to get figured into the equation. Part of it is my fault since I do not manage my time or plan ahead very well. Part of it is my wife's fault since she does not realize that I NEED some time to myself, even if it is just being at home and NOT BEING BOTHERED BY ANYONE for a few hours.

Clearly, there needs to be some discussion at my house and I need to step up and plan my time more efficiently.

Here's an instant 'me-time' method that I've used a few times, to great success.

Step one - realize you will not get something for nothing. There's a little work involved in this method, but there's no rule that says you can't enjoy the work.


"Honey, I know you mentioned the other day about how the house needed a good cleaning. If you can take the munchkin out for the afternoon, I'll take care of it."

If your wife is like mine (female), she'll be shocked and impressed. Then remind her that you'll need about 4-5 hours ('oven cleaner fumes are bad for the baby').

Start getting things ready. Pull out the oven cleaner, vaccum, mop, rags, a tool kit, pull the garbage cans and recycling bins out into the open. As you're running around, keep asking your wife if she needs any help getting ready, (ask from a different area of the house each time - this prevents you getting tied up with larger tasks such as dressing the children).

By the time she leaves, you'll already have all the things you need out in the open, and she'll know you mean business.

By getting things ready in advance, you've bought yourself 1 of the 4-5 hours you negotiated for.

Make the cleaning fun. Grab a homebrew, crank up the stereo and clean whatever she will see first when she gets home (usually the vaccuming around the entrance). Do it with the same panic and fervor that you had when you were in high-school and threw a party that got out of control while your parents were away.

You should get it done in half the time.

Have another beer, watch your favorite show, or, in my case, play guitar as loudly as possible to an audience of stuffed animals

About an hour before she returns, put away the beer (this can't look like fun or part 2 won't work) get back to cleaning or whatever household project you can think of so you're not caught napping.

When she returns, she should be impressed. Now is the time to negotiate for a 'night-out with the boys', in exchange.

2-3 hours of real hard work now pays off in 2-3 hours of me-time, and a night out with the boys...

groovedaddy: sounds like an abuse to the system! but a very effective way to abuse it! She gets what she wants and you get what you want and she still has to take of the little ones for 4-6 hours.

Being a Part-time SAHD I have found it effective to get alot of cleaning done during the day while I am watching the baby. It doesn't take that long and when she comes home she see's all the work you've done and she takes the baby for the night and I'm able to escape to "the office" and be a geek/sports nut.

groovedaddy: sounds like an abuse to the system! but a very effective way to abuse it! She gets what she wants and you get what you want and she still has to take of the little ones for 4-6 hours.

Being a Part-time SAHD I have found it effective to get alot of cleaning done during the day while I am watching the baby. It doesn't take that long and when she comes home she see's all the work you've done and she takes the baby for the night and I'm able to escape to "the office" and be a geek/sports nut.

I run 3x a week, so I'm up between 4:30-5am. When I'm not running I'm up at 6. That's me time.
When the kids are in bed and the daily stuff is done myself and my wife have me time whether its together or her doing her thing and me doing mine. On the weekend one of us might say "I want to go do x for a couple hrs, that cool?" Usually it isn't an issue.
She has girls night out every now and then, I don't bother with that sort of thing because I'm up so early in the morning that late nights are just no good for me.
I think finding me time can be pretty easy to do but both of you have to be flexible.

@ Bobjr79

The Man Castle thread on ADVenturerider is likely my all time favorite internet thread EVER. You will get too many ideas from this thread.

The problem is you will need 8 hours of me time just to get thru the thread as it is now aboout 200 pages long!

Enjoy, and GodSpeed.

www.advrider.com/forums/showthread.php?t=212142

@DougJ I continue to be impressed by the dedication. 4:30?! For some reason I absolutely draw the line at 5. Anything before 5 seems like the night before. That's why I have to save longer runs for the weekends.

Keep it up.

Well, my two cents are so far past the other end of the spectrum from everyone else here.

I come from the belief that you'll have plenty of time for "me" time, when the kids are in school. To me, it's a little selfish to want time to yourself to just take a nap or do shopping, especially if it's just one child. I am a mother of four, and take full responsibility and own the fact that I chose to bring these children into the world and if I wanted alone time, then I should have thought more about not having any kids.

I realize that parents need to have occasional date nights, but for the sanctity and health of the marriage, I feel that is necessary, and for the parents to have some adult time.

I guess I just don't see the how/why a parent of just one or two children can't "cope" with being a parent 24/7 until their child is on some sort of school schedule. I just don't get it I suppose. Like I said earlier, my way of thinking is from the day of when moms stayed home with their babies until they went off to school, and if they chose to work, they would be home by the time school got out.

Seems like I'm probably in the minority these days with this way of thinking?

@Daddy Clay

Thanks! I work at 8 so if I want to get those 15-16k runs in I have to start at 5am. I tried to do long runs on the weekend but it seemed like it was easier for other things to get in the way.

@dougj I hear you. I do my longer runs on Sunday AM -- and I get to sleep in until 6 or 6:15! I still try to get home (with breakfast for everyone) by 9:30 or so. I generally take Saturday off, because that's our busiest sports day with the kids.

@bamalynn75 Supermom! On the one hand, I see some parents that seem to organize their lives to minimize time with their kids (parents swapping off times, hiring nannies and baby sitters), and I wonder what they were thinking having kids. They have more "me time" than time with the kids. On the other hand, I also feel that you are a better parent when you are adequately caring for your own well-being and for the well-being of your marriage. So, like you, I think date nights are important, finding time to exercise, read, or collect your thoughts are all important enough to sacrifice some time with the kids.