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TOPIC: Insist on Helping?

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jdelguidice

Insist on Helping?
2 Years ago

He's our first child... only a month old. I took 3 weeks of leave and am now back at work. My wife is now staying at home full time. I've been trying consistently to work myself into the standard feeding schedule to relieve my wife of some stress, etc. Every night I ask if I can do a late feeding and every night she says no, it's OK.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a decent night's sleep but I am SOOOO sure she's gonna remind me of this 20 years from now.

Should I be more insistent that she let me take some of the load?

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concretin_nik

Re:Insist on Helping?
2 Years ago

I say NO. You've asked. She's declined. Take your sleep while you can, because I'll bet there WILL be a time when she'll "ask" you to help. And if she's staying at home, she can sleep when the kiddo sleeps during the day... you can't. Do not burden yourself unnecessarily. Seriously. Help out where you can. If she needs something more, make it clear she shouldn't hesitate to ask.

When I was working while my wife was off, she took care the night calls. When she went back to work, and I took 4 weeks of half days, in the evening, I took over the night calls because she had to get up in the morning... but I am one lucky sumbich because my first night (he was 8 weeks old) was when he started sleeping through the night.

She was quite irritated with me...

When she was 8 months pregnant, I often had to tell her to sit down! and I will go DOWNSTAIRS to get you a drink. If it was just into the next room, I wouldn't have been so crazy, but there's no need to take unnecessary trips up and down stairs when you're about to pop as it is! "It's ok to ask me to do that. It's what I'm here for. You just sit there and build a baby." (And boy what a baby she did build!)

If/when your wife does remind you of this 20 years from now, you can always remind her that you asked, and she said no thanks.

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ben

Re:Insist on Helping?
2 Years ago

I think everyone forgets in a matter of months, anyway. At least what's remembered is what they want to remember. The details are difficult to hang onto when you're dealing with the initial occupation. It's amazing how many things my wife has remembered differently from me from the first son two years ago. Just a few minutes ago she told me that she just read that her hormones from the pregnancy were responsible for baby acne. I had to tell her that she apologized multiple times to our first son for her hormones giving him acne, too. It's just the way things roll.

If you actually suspect this stuff to bite you down the road, then that's something else entirely. But I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure that the three weeks you took didn't come free and that you'll receive full credit.

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Daddy Clay

Re: Insist on Helping?
2 Years ago

We're way on down the road from you (my oldest is 11, youngest 5) and every once in a while my wife will play the martyr about the late night feedings. I gently remind her that she was a total breast feeding nazi headcase that wouldn't let me anywhere near the child at feeding times, lest my very presence in the room might give the child nipple confusion.

Which usually shuts her up.

The thing to remember is that parenting is a very long road, and the beautiful thing about being committed to fatherhood in a two parent family is that over time things ebb and flow. Tasks and responsibilities come and go. There is always plenty to do. If you want it, and you stay committed, you will get every bit of parenthood that you want. And you will reap richer rewards than you can imagine at this point in your fatherhood.

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jdelguidice

Re: Insist on Helping? 2 Years ago
Thanks for the replies, gents. I feel sooooo much better. I'm continuing to offer when it seems right and she's still doing most of the feeding, but at least I don't feel guilty.

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robmonroe

Re: Insist on Helping? 2 Years ago
All you can do is offer unless it's putting either your partner or your child at risk. I do all of the middle-of-the-night wake-ups to this day, and was reminded last week of why that's my role and not hers. (She brought our very roll-all-over-the-bed toddler into our bed at 11:30. I just slept on the couch and gave her the business the next day. Nighttime is mine once more.)