We had our first baby 2 months ago and I'm at a point where we have to decide on going for second in the next year. My wife is 35 so we don't have a lot of time to wait and decide.

So you multiple and single kid Dads I want to hear from you on what you feel about One vs Two or more children.

Here are my feelings for and against having a second.

For
Although I love my daughter like nothing I have ever done before and I realize she is going to love me even more than she does her mom I have always wanted to have a boy and imagined all the things I could do with him. I don't want to one day wonder what if I had a boy? I feel like a sibling will make our life easier in the long run. I don't want our only to grow up being selfish

Against
How much harder is it going to get to take care of two kids? Will I have the time and energy to handle a second? Can we afford to have a second? Will our lifestyle have to change drastically to have 2.

Look forward to hearing from you Dads

We only have one. My wife is about to be 40, and we're still planning on a second... Your doctors (and the statistics) are the things that freak out the most after 35... She was 36 when she had TheBoy, so she was automatically in the 'at risk' group, and I feel somewhat overtly so, made to feel a bit panicked. Not cool, particularly for a first time pregnancy...

So, don't let that time slip away, but don't let it push you into something you're not quite ready for either.

As for your "pro" reason... um, ain't no guarantee the next one will be a boy... so it's also a "con" if you look at it that way, so I see it as a wash.

Your listed "cons" are all absolutely valid concerns. And things we are struggling with as well. Well, mostly the financing... kids are expensive lil' buggers! I figure the physical and mental "sacrifices" will be worth it in every way. But the financial burden, well, that can affect their lives more than my own lack of sleep or me giving up 'me time,' so that scares me.

Now... all that said... our number one reason for having another... He won't always be a lil' kid. We won't always be here. My wife is one of 6, I am one of 3, and while my childhood was rough with 2 older brothers, I wouldn't trade them for the world now. I want my son to have a sibling as an adult. I want him to have someone that he can always count on and tell things he can't tell his parents. Someone to look after, and someone to have his back.

My brothers rule. And I will do everything I can to give that feeling and experience to my kid(s).

Enjoy # 1 a bit, even though Momma is 35 you still have time.

Two is harder than one, more daddy work and since you are old like me you will be fabulously tired. Yes your lifestyle will change it's worth it

Love grows so you will always have plenty of that to go around regardless of the number you have.

You will figure out how to afford it.

You may not have a boy the next time, girls are great!

One of the great things about having a sibling is that there is someone else in the world that is family, that's not Mom or Dad.

Good luck.

Great thread. We are beginning to discuss the same question at the Low household. Great advice so far.

Myself, T.Low, has one sibling and I can say it certainly added to my childhood experience. As an adult, we don't get along so well, but it has improved since we learned that my sibling is diagnosed Bipolar and ADHD.

SheLow has two siblings, and I watch the dynamic of the three of them together and it makes me want to have three kids. They are absolutely wonderful together as adults. We won't have three, but I certainly can see the case for giving Olivia a sibling.

On the other hand, SheLow's favorite cousin is an only child and is very close with his parents and cousins and never once wished for a sibling. Same with a close shefriend of SheLow's.

Everything about this experience with #1 has been perfect. Absolutely perfect. The pregnancy, the birth, and the first 14 weeks so far have been better than we ever could have imagined. We have both actually commented that there is simply no way that #2 could be this perfect.

This is a tuff one; but I think ultimately we both want OLow to have a Little Low. And for me, I want SheLow to have some Lows to keep her company in the future as I most likely won't be around as long as her.

Our thoughts are along the same lines. Our girl at 8weeks is an angel she is calm, sleeps well(6hr if we let her), feeds well (80th percentile now, born at 20th!). We keep thinking the next one can never be this good.

We will let the idea stew a little longer and maybe decide in a year. I would definitely like to have one more but time will tell.

Many major decisions in life are not made from rational decision making but from the heart or emotions.

I think DaddyBrad and DaddyClay write their kids in taxes as work related expenses

Hi DaddyRoger,

We are having this conversation in our family as well. My wife and I are both in our 30s (I myself see the remaining time in my 30s rapidly dissipating, and it won't be long before my age is expressed with a number that has a leading '4') and we just had our firstborn last year.

We know we want to have another baby so that our son can have a sibling. I think Daddy Brad's remark sums it up the best - with siblings, there will always be someone else in the immediate family besides Mom & Dad.

The big issue for us isn't finances or even age - realistically we have a few years in which we can feasibly do this with minimal worries about age-related issues - , instead, it is, "do we have enough energy for ANOTHER one"? Our son will soon be four months old and we are only just starting to get some sleep again. My wife has additionally pointed out that it would be hard for us to care for an newborn when there is also a toddler running around.

However I think the benefits outweigh the costs, for all of the reasons mentioned by other posters. For our family , I think it will just a matter of having the courage to take the plunge...

Cheers, and best wishes

Roger

The wife & I had a lot of the same conversations you guys had.

I'm 41 and my wife is 39, so we didn't have the luxury of taking our time in making a decision. So, 18 months after baby boy #1 came, our second son came along.

For my wife, I think, the biggest factor was that she very much wanted a daughter. I never really cared about having a boy or a girl - though someone deep down, I worried that I might not be able to connect as well with a girl.

For me, the whole thing came down to what I thought the impact would be on our first son. 49% of me worried that going from the center of the universe to having to share our attention might upset him. 51% of me thought that since he's so young, he might adjust more quickly. Plus, my wife convinced me that having them so close together may result in them being fast friends. (When we got pregnant, our older son was just 10 months, so the thought of someone occupying his time instead of us chasing him around 24/7 sounded great!).

The verdict? Well....it's still too early to tell. Up until recently, Ben pretty much ignored his little brother, but Sam idolizes his big brother - wants to be around (and on top of) him all the time. In the last couple weeks, Ben has started acting like Sam might be a source of amusement. He tries to make him laugh and mimicks some of his actions.

I'm happy with our decision, but it was a very difficult one. The thought of potentially upsetting (in a real way, not in the "time to leave the park" way) our son weighed heavily on my mind and I worried that he might have the same kind of relationship that I had with my brother.

My wife is happy with the decision too, but I think she still wishes at least one of them was a girl.

I have been where you are, a few times.

It took us 5 years to get our first with a little help from the doctor. I wouldn't exactly wait too long just in case it takes a "bit" of time to get preggo again. More and more parents are having their children later in life, so I would just be more concerned with mommy's overall health and possible baby health issues that can arise.

Never think that you'll ever have enough money to raise multiple kids. You will always make do and wonder how you do it, but it does seem to work itself out somehow. If you wait until you think you have enough money, you will probably run out of time.

We now have four, all under the age of 6, with our youngest just two weeks old! We are now done though, as I am 36 and my hubby is 43. He doesn't want to be a senior citizen with a child in grade school, and we have two of each, so we're balanced!

Ultimately, it's your decision, but honestly, there's no time like the present when having kids past age 35! I'm glad we had them all so close together. They play well with each other and are so loving.

Bamalynn -

Wow, great news - Congratulations on the birth of your new child!



Roger

Your only is not any more likely to grow up selfish than if she has siblings. You can raise your kids right, whether you have one or several. Right now, my wife and I have one and it will probably stay that way. Every family knows what they need to feel complete though.
www.theidadblog.blogspot.com

My wife's first pregnancy and L&D was pretty traumatic. Our oldest was a preemie that spent three weeks in the NICU before coming home. The whole ordeal was so upsetting that I told whomever would listen in the 6 months following the birth that we were having only one child.

I wasn't very plugged in at that point, but could also have sited the numerous studies that contradict most stereotypes of only children. Some have even suggested that only kids are happier and better adjusted than their be-siblinged counterparts.

And I also refused to have two children. My sister and I did nothing but fight as kids, and I blamed the one-on-one dynamic. So to have more than one meant having at least three. Which may explain why our second didn't come along for three more years. It took a while for my wife to convince me, but, as usual, she did.

What changed my mind?

Other than getting tired of counting her pills every morning, the time with the baby beguiled me. The trauma of the delivery faded. My wife was insistent (and she was the one that really suffered). By the time our oldest was 2, I felt like being a dad was a calling for me.

Almost every week, I will see my youngest and think very clearly to myself: "I am so glad we decided to have three."

My wife and I have two children. We decided to have the second not long after our first turned 2.

Our decision hinged on one thing: It just felt right. We didn't spend a lot of time talking about money, time commitments, etc. We just knew that since it felt right, it would work out, and it has.

We went through the same thing for a long time. I was 36, almost 37 last year & my oldest son was 3 before I was ready to take the plunge again. I dreaded the long nights, nursing, constant attention that a baby needs. I also dreaded being pregnant again since I know it's really rough on me.

Well, all that aside, my littlest guy was born on Oct.28th & has been an amazingly wonderful addition to our family. Our oldest just adores him & we are so glad we decided to have a 2nd. We thought it would be nice to have a girl, but I'm so thrilled with my 2 boys & I wouldn't change a thing. They are the greatest things to have ever happened to us & worth every sleepless minute. So, just remember that even though it's tough, I bet you'll feel the same way if you decide to have #2. And yes, she will automatically be in the high risk for everything, but that doesn't mean you have to take any of the pre-screen tests if you don't want to. Good luck!

Hi DaddyRoger!

Similar questions in our family, but we kind of know what the answer has to be.

We had our first when we were both 43. We're crazy about her. We've been trying for another for a while, and have come to terms with the likelihood that it's probably not going to happen, just because of age. It's hard to come to terms with that, but at the same time it's not exactly unexpected.

But here's our lesson - it's one thing to want a child and not have one. It's a very different thing to want a second and not have one. I can't speak for you, but for us our girl gives us so much that we're (a bit reluctantly) OK with not having another.

I'm glad that you can make a choice, but I guess the message is that you'll probably be very happy either way because you've already got the most important thing - a child that you are crazy about.

Had ours at 42. Wouldn't have been the first choice, but that's what happened. I'd go for the second child if I were you. We've worked very hard with my ds to set up playdates, make friends, etc. because he's an "only", but many times he wants someone to interact with (he's VERY social). The kids will play with each other. They'll also squabble...part of working out conflicts & learning to get along. I just think there's something within people that wants to share experiences, do things together, etc. that makes it more fun.