Gentlemen,

I seek your inputs to a truly heart-breaking situation. My wife's father has made continued references to my son as "his boy" and "come see daddy" comments galore. I have dismissed them for a while as merely adjustment to the Grandfather role and title, however recently it has been brought to my attention through alternate sources that this continues in my absence repeatedly. My wife's father was all but non-existent while they were growing up, instead choosing to take refuge away from my wife's mother and their daughters. It has been widely accepted and discussed that he was an absentee father and emotionally abusive. I can understand him wanting to "make up for lost time", but my son already has a father who cherishes him more than the air I breathe. I feel that if he blew his chance to play Dad with his own children, he should know better than to expect a "do over" with mine! I work away from home for two weeks per month so I understand if my wife feels torn, but it enrages me and breaks my heart when he begins his little quips.

I do not want my son to have issues dealing with competing father roles so I want to nip this in the bud ASAP. I am sure I can handle the matter effectively, but I would like some other advice or sources to help guide me in the process.

Any guidance is appreaciated.

This is certainly a tough situation, but one that has a lot of potential for positive outcomes embedded in it. Whatever his motives, it seems like your FIL is at least trying to have a positive presence in your son's life. Feeling like your territory as dad is being encroached on can provoke strong feelings (especially if you are having to be away a lot), but you have nothing to fear -- you cannot and will not be replaced in your family or in your child's heart by a grandfather. It's just not going to happen. It's hard to know when your child is a baby, but take it from an experienced dad, you will have a special bond and place with that kiddo that no one can match.

But getting your FIL to back off the "Daddy" thing is probably worth doing. One way you might approach it. Have some fun coming up with his grandfather name. My wife was born in Hawaii, so my MIL was dead set on being called the Hawaiian name for grandmother, Tutu, and announced this the minute we told her we were pregnant. I thought this was a pretty wacky name and gave her a hard time about it. It became kind of a good-natured family joke. After lots of joking around, we turned to my FIL and asked him what he wanted the grandkids to call him, and he said, "Sir."

Well that stuck. And he has been "Sir" ever since. Maybe over a meal you could bring up what all your grandfathers have been called, and in a lighthearted way, ask your FIL what he wants to be called. Then make sure he sticks with Pop Pop or Popaw or Sir or whatever he picks.

One of the many sacrifices we are called on to make, as dads, is making room for the grandparents in the lives of our kids despite their foibles and their pasts. Watch closely and set boundaries, but allow that an amazing relationship may bloom. Its a great gift to give the kids. The grandparents, too.

If i were you, I wouldn't get too worked up about it. He seems to be trying to be a 'parent' to your son, but judging by his lack of parenting skills in the past, perhaps the grandfather role where he gets to interact but has none of the responsibilities of a true parent is about all he can handle. I am certain your son knows exactly who his father is and that is the most important thing.

I'm sure your wife appreciates the adult company when you have to go off to work. She does however have a great insight into his lack of parenting skills and will surely be able to reassure you of your position in the family. She will also know what she can and cant let him do with your son(just thinking of the emotional abuse comment).

Maybe he childishly is trying to goad you somewhat, but that is most likely driven by jealousy and guilt that he can never emulate your parenting abilities and the reliability that you are showing as a proper parent.

Just remember that you are bigger and better than him always because you are being a true father to your son. Kids know!

Thank you both for the helpful words. Things still seem quite strained while I am around, but patience is the key. Clay, funny you mentioned backing off the "daddy" thing. My FIL has already chosen a nickname for himself. He chose Papaw since that is what he used to call his grandfather. That lineage of the name is another thing that perplexed me about the "daddy" business. If he felt so attached to it, why drop it so freely? I am holding out to see what the state of things are once I get home. I'm hoping that I don't need to address it, but I suspect that I will. Fingers crossed and thanks again.