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TOPIC: You're not my dad!

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konen

You're not my dad!
1 Year, 7 Months ago

So, if you haven't guessed by now (by where this post is located) I am a step-father. I have to be honest and say that parenting in general is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. But to be honest, I think step-parenting takes it to a whole new extreme. I have 2 step kids, and I love them to death... but... I am having troubles with my step-daughter. We have what seems to be a good relationship until I try to correct her or be "the adult figure". When I do she gets an attitude, 9 going on 19, and says you're not my dad. Every time she says it, I confess how bad it hurts, but she keeps it up. Any suggestions on a method to get across to her that this is really hurtful? Or a recommendation on what I could do to raise our relationship to the point that I'm not such a horrible guy for trying to be helpful? Thanks guys for allowing me the privilege to vent here and ask questions!!

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krellpw

Re:You're not my dad!
1 Year, 7 Months ago

Tough one, Konen.

I'm interested in this topic as well, because while I'm not a step-parent, I am an adoptive father and there are definitely parallels. My adopted daughter is still a toddler right now, so I'm not in your shoes yet, but I could easily see me walking this path some day.

My initial thought is that you might be empowering her by confessing just how much it hurts when she tells you she's not her dad. No question it hurts. No question that it's gonna hurt me when my kid drops it on me, but I'm not sure that I'd repeatedly tell her how much it hurts. You may be giving your daughter a "go to" button to push and divert you from the situation at hand.

The thing that I keep telling myself I'm going to have to say to my kids one day is, "you're right. I'm not the man that helped your mother get pregnant to give birth to you...so in that respect you're right. I'm not your dad. HOWEVER...I think you're smart enough to know that being a Dad is a WHOLE lot more than that. And if you think about it, and admit it yourself, you know that I'm doing all I can to do all of those other things. So in that respect, I AM your father."

Now, is age 9 the right time for that? I can't answer that. I also confess, I'm not sure that I'm going to have the steel to say that to my kids when the time comes, but that's my plan at this stage. Hope that's a bit helpful and provides some thoughts on what you may be able to apply to your situation.

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