I'm hoping the immediate comedy relief will show that I'm not angry, but I am hurting and wanting to know if I could get some advice from some dads. I'll try to be brief in the explanation of my situation.

Previously divorced, with a 21 year old daughter and a 17 year old son. Good relationship with my ex wife (i.e. things are civil) and an excellent relationship with my own kids. Married for three years to a wonderful woman who has a sweet 13 year old daughter whom I fell in love with just like I did her mother. My 17 year old son lives with us and has for about a year now.

When I met my wife and her daughter, they were living in a very abusive environment (with my wife's father and step mother). Got them out of there and into an apartment of our own. Her daughter took to me like a hobo to a bologna sandwich. Her biological father has been a part of her life, but only on the weekends. Never shows up for any school functions, is always late, always putting his job first over her and his own family. Finally got a home of our own this year and things have been going absolutely fantastic. I returned from a tour of duty in Afghanistan a couple of months ago and while I was gone, my step daughter generously expressed how much she missed me and loved me. Lots of love and laughter in our home. Lots of support and encouragement for both kids. Lots of activities and both kids know they are adored. For the past three years, I (and we) couldn't be happier.

Until...

Suddenly my step daughter wants to "try out" living with her dad.

Every time she has ever gone to his home for the weekend, my wife gets phone calls and texts from her saying how much she hates it there, how spoiled her younger brother and sister are, and how much her dad and step mom fight. She's always dreading going over there and when she's there, she's saying how much she can't wait to come back home.

Now, however, she has built a little "shrine" in her room with pictures of her dad and, in her mind, he can do no wrong. He hasn't been a part of her life since her birth (other than the obligatory weekends - if and when he wanted her to come) and for the past three years, I've been the best example she's ever known or seen as far as having a daddy. I've poured my love on her and I truly felt as deep of a connection with her as I do my own children.

I'm left now feeling, honestly, like a fool. I am hesitant to say much to her now because I know she doesn't want to be in my home. She talks about her dad all the time and, though her mother has denied her request to live with him, part of the agreement between my wife, my step daughter, and her dad is that she not only goes there every other weekend, but a couple of days each week and anytime she "feels like she wants to spend time with him".

Am I jealous? A bit, yes. I'll admit that. But mostly, I just feel like an idiot for all of the past times we've shared as a family and times she and I have shared together and I just can't understand why - out of the blue - she wants little to do with me and wants to go live with her dad.

I'm a big boy and I can take criticism. I need help finding some tools to cope with this. Any suggestions, observations, or comments are more than welcome.

Gimme a hand, dads.

Dude,

First, thanks for your service and your honesty. Let me assure you that love never fails. Never stop, quit, or hold back! Love is as strong as death! Understand, however that your step daughter is behaving normally. She comes from an abusive background, and there are going to be tendencies to be drawn to and even fantasize about it. Inner healing needs to happen, and love is a great place to start. I understand your feeling betrayed and hurt, don't be. Your step daughter is at an age of independence, and more often than not when we are given those opportunities, we tend to go back or opposite of what has been given to us. That's just human nature. For both you and your step daughter, a simple, free read can be found here:

www.plough.com/ebooks/whyforgive.html

It's a pretty good book, and may help your wife in this transition as well. Remember, it is never wrong to love, but love doesn't quit or withhold. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. And love conquers all!

Take a deep breath, be grateful for the moments you still have, and pour into your family with all your heart. Hope this is an encouragement for you.

Thanks so much, nhoutsma. I sincerely appreciate your input.

I guess the part that really hit home was when you said:

Your step daughter is at an age of independence, and more often than not when we are given those opportunities, we tend to go back or opposite of what has been given to us. That's just human nature.

I know that to be the truth. Why is that?!?!?!? Who knows. But that is a fact.

Good copy on keeping on keeping on. I do love her very much and I genuinely care for her.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Yup, I think nhoutsma is bang on. Teenagers are discovering themselves... and for her, that experience includes her biofather.

It doesn't sound at all like she's doing this to punish or rebel against you. I say feel free to tell her that you don't like the idea (because of all of the texts and such misery she has expressed in the past when at his home), but she's growing up and you understand that needs to happen. I think being flat out against it and fighting it tooth and nail will only lead to harsher feelings and resentment between ALL parties involved.

Good luck. Please come back and let us know how things go. (We don't need details or dirty laundry, but often other Dads/Moms want to know if they are doing the right thing in a similar situation, but the outcome is never revealed.)

And WELCOME TO DADLABS!

Once again, many thanks. Your comments, once again, make a lot of sense, concretin_nik.

Teenagers are discovering themselves... and for her, that experience includes her biofather.

I can see that being (1) a teenager and (2) female are playing into the equation. No offense against the fairer sex, of course, but those are two very powerful factors to consider! She's not being rebellious or trying to punish me. I don't think that's the case at all.

Her mother has told her that she hasn't spent the past thirteen years doing her absolute best to raise her and have her bail on HER like that, so that's where the buck ends there. I really have no say as far as that goes. Mom is kinda like, "Oh, no ya don't..." in the situation and I'm, really, just staying out of it. I figure it's between mom, dad, and teenager. I don't know whether that's the right approach or not, but it seems that my involvement would just complicate things even more.

I guess one factor is that it's her weekend here with us and she's just moping around like someone set her laptop on fire and disconnected the satellite television. She's making it clear that she'd rather be with her dad. Blows my mind, actually. But I've appreciated the comments and I'm doing my best to just be the regular ol' me and to love her and act as normally as I would if things were going like they used to be.

It's hard.

But, then again, I have to look at the big picture and realize that she's a good girl, a great student, and we'll all just have to find a way to ride this out. Things could be significantly worse and I know that.

Thanks for the comments, men. They're appreciated.

Just wanting to give an update. Looks like things have turned out... not so good.

The one extra night per week has turned into two extra nights per week. Her father is also inviting her out for dinners and movies with his family on her regular weekends here, which he's never done before. The sad part is she asks to attend.

Mom has had enough and is very upset with the whole deal. She and I have talked about this numerous times in the past couple of months and she's decided to let her go live with her father. She's in her room packing as I type.

It's a very heartbreaking situation for her mother. She feels as if she's been a terrible mother and hasn't given her enough or done enough for her. Mom, essentially, feels worthless as a mother. In discussing things, I told her that's how I've felt as the man who has taken her daughter from nothing to having everything she's indicated she wanted. I feel, as the title of the tread, betrayed. I know that's how Mom feels right now.

I heard her call her father and ask to come pick her and her belongings up. She didn't know I could hear... and she painted the picture that, basically, Mom just kicked her out. I don't understand it at all. She marched in her first parade yesterday and her mother and I sat on the side of the street cheering her on and taking her picture and her father was, apparently, too busy to make it. She KNOWS he wasn't there. She knows WE were. Yet, it's him that she wants. I'm at a total loss.

She was always so happy and loving. Now, she's sullen and depressed all the time. However, she's happily packing her belongings and has even agreed to leave her dog here when she goes. Mom has left for a bit to be alone and get herself "together" and her daughter is just packing away. It really hurts to see all of this happening and I can't help but have some resentment toward her daughter for how she's treated me and how she's treating her mother.

When her mother and I were married, I also gave her daughter a gold ring to symbolize that I wasn't just marrying her mother, but that I was making a commitment to her as a daughter, too. That commitment meant that we were a family and that my love for her was as strong as for her mother. I almost want to ask for the ring back, but I realize that would be immature on my part and a demonstration of my own hurt and disappointment with how things have turned out. I wouldn't do that because I'm an adult and she's still a child - even though she is making decisions that affect every aspect of two adult households.

It hurts. I guess that's what it all boils down to. Her mother is deeply wounded and I feel like a complete failure. We both feel like we've failed, in fact. It's just a bad situation... but one that is occurring and that we must work through whether we want to or not. I hate it. What a terrible feeling in our home today.

Thanks for all the encouragement and advice I've received. I believe it led me to do the right thing in spite of how things have turned out.

Damn, that's harsh. So sorry Kenny.

I don't know about the lying about being "kicked out." That's REALLY not cool. Puberty and discovering who you are is one thing... deceptively manipulating the situation is something else. I think I'd have to address that directly. With her, and/or with her father... I feel like he needs to know that is not the situation and that while you disagree with her decision to move in with him, you are supporting her, but you are NOT kicking her out. She needs to come clean with that... IMO.

Again, good luck... A quote I've read recently I think is appropriate here, though difficult and somewhat 'flat'...

"Everything will work out ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

Thanks, once again, for your input, concretin_nik.

I don't know about the lying about being "kicked out." That's REALLY not cool. Puberty and discovering who you are is one thing... deceptively manipulating the situation is something else.

I don't think I worded my previous post as correctly as I should have. When she was talking to her father, she made it seem like her mother just walked into the bedroom and told her to pack her things because she was going to go live with her father and that she was at a loss as to why her mother would say such a thing.

That's not the truth at all. I was present when her mother confronted her on her behavior and her attitude. Mom told her that it would be wrong for her to try to keep her in our home against her will and for her to be miserable being here. Mom told her she felt like she'd done everything possible to put her first and to provide her with all the things she needed and asked for, but that doesn't seem to be the things that make her happy. Mom told her that her main goal has always been for her to be happy and to be taken care of and that if going to her father's would be the solution to her problems, then she would allow her to go. Step daughter was silent throughout the whole conversation.

Mom asked me to go get boxes and I did. As I said, her demeanor changed rapidly as she began to pack. Happy camper. Mom asked if I would load everything up and take her to her father's and I refused that. I told her that would be her father's job to drop everything and come load it all up and take it to his home. Mom agreed. That was when Mom left and step daughter called her father.

A side note: Step daughter repeatedly texted within the hour after her departure asking if she could take her dog to her father's home. We both agreed that, financially and personally, her mother and I have been responsible for the dog, there are two other dogs here, and this is the dog's home. Her father has multiple dogs and cats in his home. We denied that request. Several texts followed begging for the dog and detailing how she was crying her eyes out for it.

A second side note: She told neither her mother or I goodbye when she left. She just... got in her father's truck and they drove away.

Her mother and I are really hurting and this all just seems like a bad dream.

KennyB--

This is a painful story, and I can only imagine how much you guys are hurting right now. I've got teens, so I know how volatile things can get. And I imagine that for blended families, that volatility exposes all the cracks and weak spots.

This may be cold comfort, but here are a couple observations.

1) Teens are terrible judges of what will truly make them happy. They mistake permissiveness and materialism and "coolness" for love every time. They will seek more space and independence right up until they feel lonely. They have a massively entitled sense of justice that in no way obligates them to be honest or forthright. This is just normal teen.

2) A healthy relationship with her bio-dad may make it easier in the long for her to appreciate you. If you are not seen as trying to replace bio-dad or encroach on his territory, in her eyes, she may actually find a little more room for gratitude. Eventually.

3) Her desire to engage with her dad is probably, in some ways, a measure of your success as a step parent. She is still looking to the adults in the world. Is able to trust and love (deserved or not). All of this indicates she is working from a healthy base -- one that you and your wife provided.

Good luck with this. Lots on your plate. Raw feelings and hurt. Hang in there.

I think this is why she is leaving.

You commented... "She KNOWS he wasn't there. She knows WE were. Yet, it's him that she wants. I'm at a total loss."

She knows of the support you and her mom have given her. She wants to know that bio dad will do the same. She wants the best of both worlds. But, if biodad is too busy to give her the attention and love you two have, then she will be back home with you and mom.

Let her see that the grass is not greener on the other side.