The key skill sets for being a FT parent are keeping very organized & staying several steps ahead of where you are, being able to react on the fly & improvise, and problem solving creatively.

That's 70% of it, right there. The other 30%, I'd say, is being able to empathize and read your kids' cues, esp when they can't talk yet, and being able to function w/o sufficient sleep on an ongoing basis.

What do you think?

Steven

I think I'm in trouble because I don't know what an "FT" parent is.

I think it means "Full Time". It took me a while to figure out what "SAHD" meant as well ("stay at home dad") ... I guess having a child means adopting a whole new set of acronyms.

Regarding the original post by MaineDad, my wife is the full time parent in our house, and I'm the part-time parent with the 9-5 job (well, more like 6:30-4:00). One of my big skills for parenting is to try to communicate well with my wife, because by the time my workday ends, she's already been parenting all day, so in the evenings I try to catch up with where we're at.

Being organized and staying a step ahead is definitely part of parenting. I've tried to follow my wife's method of organization (diapers get organized so-and-so, naptime is at such-and-such time, etc) because she's the fulltime parent and I feel that it's more efficient for me to follow her guidelines than to try to change things around to fit my way of thinking.

This is a great topic, looking forward to hearing more.

Best wishes -

Roger

Roger & T.Low,

Yes, FT = full time.

Since leaving the workforce, I have approached my dad role in part as I would a salaried management position: I'm not just in charge of hitting nap times & changing diapers, I'm responsible for his general development, of which these smaller tasks are an important part.

I definitely agree that spousal communication is a key [thanks for the addition]. We have a friend of the family where the father is away most of the week for work, & the mother is home caring for 2 small ones. She works hard during the week to get them all into a rhythm, but when the dad comes home for the weekend, imposes his belief system & causes some havoc in time to leave again for the week. She spends the next week getting them back on track, & then they repeat. The dad is well-intentioned, but there is a communication gap that perpetuates the problem. So, kudos to you, Roger, for being on the 'correct' page.

My challenge has been in the cue-reading department; I'm not good at that in general. But I see that I am reading him better with each passing week. The wonder of it all is that he is constantly changing. Spending this amount of time with him is accelerating my curve to be sure. I think the experience will improve my cue-reading elsewhere as well.

One of the best things in the whole world is when he sees me & gives me a huge smile & shakes his arms & legs in excitement [he's 8 months old]. No better validation than the love of a child.

Anyone else have thoughts on the 'keys'?

Steven

You sound like you've got it all figured out! Don't worry about the 'cues' - like you say, they're constantly changing - and will continue to!

One thing I've found has been crucial to my (well, *our*)relationship with our son, is tailoring our parenting approach to suit them individually. For a long time, I tried to impose restrictions and expectations based on what 'everyone else' was doing or what is 'popular' at the moment.

For example, my son is very intense and serious, shy, and from the time he was born would not take a dummy, be held by (barely) anyone but me, sit in a pram or sleep alone. I think Dr. Sears calls them 'high needs' babies. A lot of my friends thought I just wasn't being 'tough' enough (some have since had similar babies, and have come back to me very apologetic ), but I saw trying to force him to do those things was upsetting him more so I just went with his flow. He spent most of his first year in an Ergo carrier or similar. Now, at almost 2, he's hardly shy and puts himself to sleep - he did this all on his own timetable. He's very happy and well adjusted, and a lot better behaved than others his age. I suppose this is along the same vein as not comparing them (in your own mind) to other people's kids!

So, Jinks, you were able to read the cues and adjust your paradigm to fit him. I have found that to be effective also. Seems so sensible but so many people refuse to yeild, thinking they know better. Listen to the kiddo, they will tell you what they need. Sometimes easier said than done, but it's true. In the early days I would get frustrated and then I would feel so stupid and say, "of course, you are telling me and I was not listenning".

Steven, I happen to be the good cue reader and my wife is not. We taught Oliva to baby sign early on and it was very effective. At 7 months when she would cry we didn't have to wonder what she needed, she would simply sign for milk, eat, or water.

Her sign learning slowed, so around one year, I put the dvd back in so I could learn more to teach her and just from watching it with me, she, for the first time, put two signs together "baby" "book" telling me which book she wanted to share.

She signs "help" instead of sitting there getting frustrated.
She knows about a dozen signs and is very "vocal" about using them. Even when there is a bird in the background somewhere, she will sign "bird". (She is a Thanksgiving weekend baby, so just over 15 months)

Roger, good to hear from you again. I agree, the continuous communication between parents is paramount. I'm home with Olivia all day and when Jen gets home from work I let her in on everything. We try to stay on the same page, but at the smae time stay open to a better way of doing something. One of our strengths as a couple is that we have always worked well toegether as a team.

Orgainzation. Again, I totally agree. I try to wake up and get my gym workout in before anyone else wakes up. Then I get home and make breakfast for everyone and can stay ahead most of the day and things seem to go relatively smooth.

However, some nights I'm up very late, and if I wake up at the last minute and try to wing it, it can be hell all day.

Steve, you nailed my biggest challenge right on the head. Intellectually, I knew from the gitgo that my new "job" was raising the kiddo. I knew it would be a full time job and I attacked it that way.

Or so I thought.

While I knew I would play with her, and teach her, and excise her, I also had visions of putting her in a playpen outside so i could do some landscape projects, or in the garage so I could work on my bikes. I thought i'd be able to clean house while she played. Wow, I could not have been more wrong.

I finally realized why you never see "Joe's Daycare and Landscape" or "Lisa's Nail Salon and Childcare", or "Bob's Burger Barn and Babysitting"; Because you can't get anything else done when taking care of a baby!

I agree that a lot of the work is about creating a stable routine and learning how to adapt and be flexible within that routine. Being efficient and organized generally lowers stress, and I think stress is an enemy of effective parenting.

Which is why I say that being attentive to your own metal state is important as well. I don't mean being self-focused (that's pretty impossible for a FT parent), but being self-aware -- which is sometimes more of a challenge.

Particularly when the schedule or the routine becomes too dominant -- you start feeling stress. Learn to self-soothe, take a breath, be present with the child and learn to enjoy that.

I know that may sound a little New Age, but I think dads in particular need to practice the skill of slowing down and really enjoying the moment of being completely present with the kid -- at least once a day.

This is the big payoff for being a parent, IMHO. You sometimes have to remind yourself to collect this "payment."

Which is why I say that being attentive to your own metal state is important as well. I don't mean being self-focused (that's pretty impossible for a FT parent), but being self-aware -- which is sometimes more of a challenge.

Pursuant to this, in our house my wife and I have put into place a schedule for getting a little bit of alone time. Once or twice a week, one spouse takes over completely for a few hours, and during that time the other one gets out of the house.

Last year, my wife has spent the time at rowing team practice. This year, she's taking a dance class. For me, last year it was golf lessons, this year I'm taking a woodworking class.

For me it doesn't really matter what the activity is, or whether I get particularly good at it. (Looking at my golf swing you can definitely tell I am not ready for the Pro-Am tour). But it's amazing what 2 or 3 hours per week of complete downtime can do.

I've also found that asking your spouse to take the baby out so you can have some quiet time at home isn't the same thing. When that happens, often I find myself drifting to household concerns, doing laundry, etc. It seems like getting out of the house completely is what makes it work. Even if you just go to Starbucks for 1-2 hours with a good book or newspaper, you come back feeling refreshed.

Roger

I completely agree with your points Clay: add Self-awareness to the keys.

T.Low, inevitably the schedule will go awry. This morning Jacob woke an hour early [4:50], demanding to be dealt with. He did get a 45 minute nap @ 6:15. But his schedule's all off now. We made it to the Y ok, but he didn't fall asleep on the ride home. Have to figure out how to get his nap time and feeding in so he can get to sleep tonight around the normal time so it doesn't carry over to tomorrow & risk upsetting the whole wagon. Sometimes you have to look at the day & cut something out to make it all fit. I'll occasionally miss a workout, but it's by far the lesser evil.

I've also found that I can set up Jacob to play on the floor with toys in the living room while I do dishes, etc., in the kitchen. I can watch him & he can see me, & I can do short tasks like get dishes in the washer, prep his next solids/bottle, my lunch. it also encourages him to learn to play on his own, which is something we want him to be able to do. I also build a daily list of tasks to do while he naps. That can be a challenge b/c he can nap for as little as 20 mins & as long as 1:20. So I have to be ready to walkaway from whatever I'm doing.

These windows allow me to knock out a bunch of small chores, & things that require more attention I do when I hand him off to my wife, or after he goes to bed.

I also am impressed with what you've done with signing. I will take your experience as inspiration and do more with it. We've done some, but I see now what it could be.

Jinky, great lesson to share @ going with you kids' needs. Even though I know it, I love to hear @ it & be reminded. Most times our babies tell us what they need.

Steven