Hello,

Just had a frustrating moment and needed to let it out... I have two daughters, one 2-1/2 and a 8 week old. I've always wanted a boy and we're wondering if we should even try for a third because who knows what can happen? Anyway, I just read in the paper about a co-worker in the newspaper - and they had a boy. I felt crushed, everyone I know is having boys! Anyway, I'm home alone with both of them today and when my youngest started crying for no reason (which I found out later it was just because she was tired), I gave a loud and mocking "waaahhh!" back at her out of frustration. She was crying for about 15 minutes straight and nothing would calm her down. I normally wouldn't something like this, but I think it had something to do with my thoughts earlier about wishing I had a boy. I bundled her, tried to give her some breast milk in a bottle, and she fell right asleep. Now I'm sitting here with my 2-1/2 year old feeling like... a big jerk.

Any other frustrated dads out there that feel like jerks? I know my 8 week old won't remember anything about it, but I feel like crap for what I did.

Fish

Hey Fish,

Not sure I can help in terms of getting past those particular bigger frustrations of wanting a son, but wanted to reach out and say that I hope the momentary frustration your interaction with your infant daughter earlier today has passed.

Hope you're cherishing those two daughters for who they are.

I can definitely relate in saying we all have those frustrating moments, days, periods and this can be a great place to find support.

krellpw, thanks man - Yes, things have calmed down. Those frustrating moments can be... well, frustrating.

Best thing to do was to be honest with my wife and let her know what I am feeling. Sometimes its tough to talk about emotions, but it's all worth it in the end when you have the support there...

We'd love to try for a boy, but there is the risk of finding out that it will be yet another girl. All of my life, I pictured being a father to a boy. I'm definitely not disappointed with my 2-1/2 year old daughter, she is a ball - we love to play and rough house together. A newborn is a lot different, just very needy and not as much fun, although the smiles are starting to come, which is very heart warming. A third child would be a great gift, but would be the ultimate gift if a boy.

I wonder if any other Dads out there have two girls are are still thinking about trying for that boy? And I'm curious if those who have tried have had success? Or, if they had three girls how they felt about it. We're debating whether or not to try.

Also, if anyone hasn't bought the DadLabs book, go get it - even if you've already had kids - it's a great read, and full of great humor!

Kevin "Fish"

I understand where you're coming from. I have 2 girls, 3 and 6. I sorta wanted a boy, but mostly for balance in the home. Having two girls definitely made things cheaper, because we could recycle clothes. Right now it also appears them both being girls has made their relationship stronger, not sure if a boy and girl would have such a good relationship.

Funny thing is, even if you get what you want, there's no guarantee what you're kid will be like. I've seen families with boys and girls where the roles seem to have been reversed.

My wife is always quick to reminds me that whatever gender the kid was, was my fault since I have the XY chromosomes.

Also, I feel like a jerk all the time. I have a master's in behavior and analysis and therapy, so I know exaclty how to respond to appriately in situations, I can do it all day long with others. But there are just times when I react the same way you did, out of frustration and tiredness.

So, have heart. Stick in there. And remember you're not alone.

Well, if it was me, I don't think I would go for a third with the explicit idea of trying to get a boy.

esnyder - that is too funny! I have a Master's degree in counseling and am a counselor for teenagers. I can definitely relate! If anybody, we should be the best at this right? Recently, I've done a lot better with being frustrated with the crying. Luckily, my 2-1/2 year old is just great and is very patient when its just me and the girls home together. I should try to remember that I had these same experiences with my oldest, and got through them as well. I've also come to the conclusion that I do enjoy lots of things about the baby phase, but I just feel that it isn't my favorite stage of development. Now that I've come to accept that (after a great talk with the wife) - things seem to be a little better for me.

As for still wanting that boy - well, the feeling is still there. I'd love to try one more time. I just don't know how my wife and I would take it if we had another girl. I couldn't imagine how it would feel, but I'm sure I would get over it and love the girl just as much, but its kinda scary. Anyone on here have three girls? Please tell me that you handled it ok. It's a risk. And yes, I'm always reminded of the fact that I am the cause of the sex-determination. I feel like a jerk saying all this because we're lucky to have two healthy human beings that we created together, and that should be enough to be thankful for. I guess I just pictured myself teaching a boy how to be a man, how to take things apart and back together, and take out hunting and fishing. Life doesn't ever go how YOU plan it though... and I am very grateful to have everything that I have in life.

Thanks for the support, guys... Kevin "Fish"

I was done after the first one, but my wife really wanted a second. I have no desire to have another. Right now is nice, we can divide and conquer.

My wife had a lot of health problems with both pregnancies, so she had her tubes tied during the second caesarian. A few months later she had to have a procedure that that cauterized the lining of her uterus, so there is absolutely no chance of her having children again. Other people seem more concerned about us having another child than we. It's always a little annoying when people try to tell me we should have another or try for a boy because they just don't get that it isn't going to happen.

Last point then I promise I'm finished. After seeing how the boys some on our street act, I'm glad I have girls.

I really wanted a boy. I had no sisters (just an annoying older brother) and felt like I knew all about boy stuff, but was clueless about girl stuff.

When our first daughter was born (now 5.5) I was only slightly disappointed, because I figured, hey, we'd have more than one. Besides, she and I bonded almost immediately. (She looked just like me when I was a baby!)

When our second came along (now 4), I was maybe a bit more disappointed, and it didn't help that we had two very young children keeping us constantly hoppin'. I was more exhausted than disappointed.

But I found that it didn't take long for my disappointment to go away, because I just love the heck out of these two girls. As soon as both were out of diapers and sleeping through the night, I realized that I was so over all that diaper stuff, and had no desire to go back.

If we were younger (we started late) another child might be an option. But I don't want to be sending a kid off to college at the same time I'm trying to retire.

So although the family name ends here (except for a distant cousin who I haven't seen in 35 years) I'm okay with that. You may find that your girls will slowly brainwashed you into thinking that girl kids are awesome (albeit high maintenance at times). They've convinced me that I probably wouldn't know how to raise a boy.

Some sympathies, but you'll probably surprise yourself in a few years to think that you ever wanted sympathy.

I recently randomly found this thread topic on Google and I'm not a father, I'm not even a male, but I just found that I had to reply to this. I don't know how long ago this post was made and I don't mean for this to be a guilt trip so don't take this the wrong way. There's a part of me that thinks it's important that you hear this from a daughter's point of view.

My dad has always wanted a son, instead, he was one of those "unlucky" ones that tried three times and got three girls, and he's been reminding us of it every now and again for ages (I'm twenty, I'm the oldest). I'm not trying to say that you guys don't love your children. I don't know you and that'd be totally out of place, but I just don't understand why you can't be happy with daughters. If you're good to us, you'll be the only man who we'll love and look up to unconditionally, for the rest of our lives. It's really horrible, caring about somebody so much but then knowing that they would have been much happier with you if you'd have been born with a penis. We love you and accept you for who you are, why can't you do the same? Some people can't even have children. You're blessed!

Once again, I'm not saying that you don't love your daughters, but you shouldn't bring a child into a world where her parents merely go, "Oh..." when she is born. It's all in the way you look at it. Look at your child and be proud of this person for being yours. It's not easy on your wives either. Being pregnant, as you may know, can be rather nasty at times as well.

And I'm sorry, but it really hurt me when you said that you were crushed because someone else had a son and you didn't. You should be happy for them that they have a healthy baby, and personally, I feel like by saying what you did, you're resenting your daughters for something they can't control. It frustrates me to tears. You don't know how lucky you are. You know this already but your daughters are great and beautiful people, the thing is, you're just too preoccupied with wanting a son to realise that 100%. If you don't become happy with your daughters, if you keep resenting them, believe me, you get what you put into it, they're going to resent the fact that their father didn't love them enough to feel complete when they were born. It's shattering to be honest. I'd say I'm a decent person who grew up to be a lovely young woman, too bad my father resents me too much to care.

You all sound like good, caring fathers nonetheless. Wanting a son or wanting a daughter is fine, but not to the extent that you resent the baby when it's born the opposite sex. Every time you see your daughters give them a big hug and a kiss and tell them that you love them with all your heart. I wish he had said that to me. Where would you be without your daughters? You can't tell me they haven't made a difference in your lives. You should be so proud of yourselves for having them. I'm sorry, I'm sure I'm much younger than you men, but I'm being honest. It hurts so much, more than you know, to hear the words, "I wish I had a son."

-Alice

Good stuff.

Two perspectives; two realities.

On the one hand, you can't blame the guy for stating on a "dads" forum his feelings of being crushed. (If he can't say it here with a certain amount of anonymity, among peers, and without worry of harm, where can he share his feelings?)

And at the same time, an innocent daughter is not to be blamed for being crushed that he feels crushed.

I have a 16 month old daughter, and we are 3 mo pregnant with a 2nd child, gender no known at this point.

The real world key, IMO, is that it is ok for a guy to have "crushed" moments for never getting a son as long as it does not interfere with the relationship he has with his daughters.

And in a perfect world, the daughters could understand that they are perfectly loved for who they are, yet it's too bad the old man never had a son, too.

Regarding "frustrations":
Please understand that is part of the entire purpose of this forum; for dads to be able to speak openly of their experiences (which will inlcude frustrations as it would with either gender)in a peer group, with no fear of consequence or hurting someone else's feelings.

I could go on, but the kiddo is tugging at me to get going...

Thread re-animation, activate!

Thank you T.Low, I had been struggling on how to address Alice's post without feeling awful... you did it beautifully.

Alice, I am truly sorry for your struggles with your father. I can only imagine, and like many experiences I read here, I'd rather not. Thank you for the perspective.

Hopefully Fish is subscribed to the thread and will come back and give us an update.

I for one am ecstatic with my son, because, as others have mentioned, I know boys. I was the youngest of 3 boys, so I am not worried about raising him. Typical 'boy stuff' will be no surprise to me at all. Having a girl, terrifies me as a Father, simply because I don't know girls. Just not as comfortable in MY knowledge in what it'll take to raise one...

However, I HOPE 'TheNextOne' is indeed a girl... why? Because I've seen the joy in lil' girls faces as they light up when their Dad picks them up from preschool. I've seen the joy of those Dads, and others, when they talk about their daughters. That joy is something I have zero personal experience with, but can see that it is indeed wonderful. And there's something more beautiful about a Mother's relationship with a daughter as well.

Will I be crushed if we have another boy? Of course not. Will it be somewhat disappointing knowing I won't have the above mentioned experiences? Of course. But I also now know that will be balanced by the awesomeness of adult brothers... After my wife, there is NO ONE I count on more in my life than my brothers. I would want that for my son(s) when they grow up.

I understand you want to vent, and I respect that, everyone deserves a space to do so. I'm not trying to stop you guys. I just felt that I had to say something because I don't think it's worth giving up a perfectly good relationship with a daughter just because you want a son, and people may not realise what they're doing while they going on wishing they had it differently. We all take things for granted, but children shouldn't be one of those things. Feelings of frustration are perfectly alright, but if they're always there, then it's damaging.

And I don't know anything about boys just as you don't know much about girls, but that's the whole part of the experience, isn't it? Getting to know your child, whether it's a boy or a girl. It's all about loving your children and nothing should get in the way of that. I'll say it again, you should be proud to be the parent of any child, they have so much potential. Not saying that you feel otherwise (I'm sure you guys are proud parents, you sound like it) and I'm really quite sorry if that sounded harsh.

-Alice

Wow, I forgot all about this post - then it came back to life! I was the one who started it, forgot about it, then I got a notice that there were some responses about a month ago. After much frustration of recovering passwords, etc... I am finally able to respond!

So... yeah... I was really upset back then that I didn't get "the boy"... and I took out a small frustration out on my daughter. I was really upset we didn't have a boy, since that was what I really wanted.

Well... three years later here I am. I wouldn't trade that little girl for the world!!! I never knew I could love a little girl and her big sister so much! Wow. They are so good together and are so much FUN to be around. Looking back, I can't believe that I actually wrote something like that - but writing really helped me to get it off my chest since I really didn't want to say what I said to anyone who was really close to me. So it helped, and so did the responses. Thanks guys!

As for the responder who really felt rejected by her father, I am so sorry to hear that. People can change and so can relationships - so I hope that happens for you, I really do!

As for me, I will certainly be there for my daughters and cherish every moment I have with them. They are 5-1/2 and 3 now and I love them more than I could ever begin to try to express in a forum like this.

... And, we're expecting a third child next month. We haven't found out the sex and aren't going to. And if it's a girl - I'll have three girls to love and no regrets!

Great to hear from you again Fish! Thanks so much for the update on your family.

And CONGRATULATIONS!! May the next one be as healthy as ever!

A family at church doesn't have room on the rear window of their minivan for the parents with those decals. 5 girls and some cats. As my wife says often, they must have wanted a boy...

We've got two boys and the drive to have a girl just isn't enough to have a third child. I can't imagine the effect of wanting a child of a particular gender so much, really. A friend went into serious depression when she found out that she was having a boy. She'd dreamed conversations with her baby girl for the first trimester. She got over it, but it was touch and go for a while.

Glad everyone's happy now, though.

A few months back my wife and I were surprised that we were pregnant with baby #3. We have two lovely little daughters that we cherish with all our hearts. My wife always said she wanted to have three children but I said I would be fine with our two girls. Looks like we're more on my wife's life plan. That's totally fine with me. The more kids the more grandchildren one day I say. Well, recently we went to a 3D ultrasound place to do a gender determination as we did with the prior two pregnancies and we found out we were having baby girl #3. With our first daughter I was in shock for a bit as being a father to a daughter seemed like a monumental task. There are so many challenges raising a daughter this day and age so the initial shock was interesting to say. But I was very happy to be a dad for the first time and girl or boy it didn't matter as long as she was healthy. Our second daughter's gender determination ultrasound seemed more like a formality to me as from the very beginning that my wife told me we were pregnant I for some reason knew it was going to be a girl. This time around when we were told we were having another girl I was a bit disappointed. Maybe that word "disappointed" is a bit much but that's probably the best to describe how I was feeling. This baby is our agreed upon last baby. So I won't be having a son that I kinda was wishing for. I guess it didn't help that everyone that we knew was saying to us "oh you're so having a boy". I love my daughters and I will love my daughter to be. I would never voice my wanting to have had a son to my dear daughters. That would be a bit cruel in my eyes. But I doubt I'll not think how life would have been if I had a son to bond with. That being said my daughters are wonderful and I can't imagine life without them. They are such a blessing and they are so wonderful together. So I guess being surrounded by beautiful witty young ladies is my destiny.

It's perfectly ok to be disappointed. Don't beat yourself up over that. The bottom line is that it is your child and you will love them no matter what! I have three girls - I started this post because I was just frustrated after having a second girl. Now having a 6 year old, a 3 year old and a 7 month old girl, it's the comments from other people that bother me the most - "wow, you better save up with all of those weddings you are going to have to pay for!", "are you going to try again for that boy?", "wait until they are teenagers and are all on their periods". Some people can be so cruel and they don't even know they are doing it. As time goes on, you get better with it and can shrug it off easier. I always wanted a boy, but I love all of my daughters with all of my heart. They are all so special in their own unique way.

I always knew I wanted to be a father and always pictured having a boy, or even all boys. I am still shocked that I never fathered one and am now accepting the fact that it probably won't happen. My wife and I had a nice talk about it and both expressed our frustration that we most likely wont try for child number four because we are scared it would be a fourth girl. We both felt so much better getting that emotion out and we still talk about it from time to time. She really wanted a boy too. We joke that the only way we would get pregnant again is if we paid $30,000 for the sperm separation/artificial insemination process and that we would have to be lottery winners to do this. Part of me says that I would still be willing to sell everything I own to make this happen. But every day I am getting closer to accepting the reality of not having a boy.

I would encourage you to have a conversation with your wife about how you feel. Just do it at the right time, when you are alone and relaxed. You will be surprised at how supportive and understanding she will be and how it will bring you closer. At least that was my experience. And talk to other supportive friends. You might be surprised at what they might say. There are so many couples that can't conceive - hearing about their struggles really changes your perspective.

Good luck... And don't forget to joke about it too - I always brag that I can "Rock a tea party" and "am the master of re attaching Barbie heads" and "that I am the undisputed man of the house".

I've found myself relating to this blog on several levels and felt compelled to put in my own two cents worth.

Like Alice, I am a daughter - the youngest of three daughters. It was always made clear to me that my dad wished he had a son. Although, it has hurt at times, I think I can understand the frustration. Gender is a tricky thing; it gets expressed in a much more fluid way than we would probably like to admit. Yes, there are irrefutable biological differences between boys and girls. And it's natural to identify with someone of your own gender -literally. However, past our own expectations and the things we know we can't change, what's great about children is that they have yet to define what gender 'roles' they choose to accept and grow into. The concept of 'gender' shouldn't be defined in terms of two mutually exclusive groups - can't i be both 'emotional' and 'logical' at the same time, or know when a situation calls for me to apply one trait and not the other? I think part of emotional - and personal maturity is knowing how to express your character with flexibility. That means being able to develop and assert yourself using a repository of characteristics, whether they be stereotypically feminine or masculine.

My point is, although my dad wanted to have a son, inevitably he chose to accept and cherish all of my strengths by creating opportunities for me to explore them without gender-bias. Being a girl didn't stop him from teaching me how to fish and catch ball or showing me how to use tools and how to fix things on my own. Our 'father-daughter' projects involved designing and building rooms in our basement from scratch AND putting little pink and purple goober candy's on our gingerbread house.

Today, my concept of a girl is one that is strong, smart, and capable. I have a career as a firefighter, which I know I wouldn't have even begun to pursue if I didn't have a dad who chose to believe in me, look past ill-defined gender roles, and push me just as hard as anyone else.

If my words help to inspire just one daughter's father, I think I can die happy.

Funny thing - my Mom wanted a girl and had to wait for the third child before she got one. Then she turned out to be a total tomboy!
I was the 5th child and last child (#4 was a boy, too) but I wound up doing more of the things Mum had wanted to share with a daughter - I learned to play the piano and she taught me to sew. Not that I was a sissy or anything (more a nerd, to be honest) but just liked doing crafty things and spending time with my mother.

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