Three years ago, my job sent me overseas for 7 months and my wife and daughter stayed home in Texas. My daughter was 17 at the time. She met a man through an MMORP, who I later found was living in Japan, almost 40 years old, married, with two children; the oldest was 15. My wife and daughter didn’t tell me about this until it had progressed to the point that he and my daughter were “in love” and even then, they didn’t tell me his age and marital situation till much later when he was trying to break out of his unhappy marriage, which he did; leaving his wife and kids in Japan. When I found out about all this I tried to reason with her, and explain how inappropriate this was. My wife wasn’t much help though, since she believed that he was a great guy, and that he and my daughter might be soul-mates. I found the entire affair distasteful and it only got worse when I accidentally intercepted an email he sent her that had a picture of his penis. That was the last straw, and I began to demand that this come to a stop. I didn’t want my daughter to be married to man twice as old as she is (only 3 years younger than me) with a step-son that is two years younger than her. After much arguing, and crying, and such, my wife came to her senses, and said she agreed with me. She told my daughter that if she continued the affair, we wouldn’t be supportive, and she would essentially be breaking up our happy family. My daughter relented, though not happily, and cut ties with him. She really did, and I was very proud of her for being obedient, and reasonable. I later found out he had followed through with the divorce and moved to California to work for his father, leaving his wife and children in Japan. My daughter had a few unhappy romances over the next two years. What I didn’t know is that the guilt of keeping my daughter from her potential soul-mate was eating away at my wife. Here it is three years later, my daughter is 20, and dating a local age-appropriate guy. I don’t really care for him, and I’m sure she can do better. Unknown to me, my wife contacted the 40 year old in California, and finds out he’s still interested in my daughter. She arranges for my daughter to start contacting him again, and she breaks up with the local jerk. When I find this out, I get upset, and tell them that I don’t think this is a good idea. They are both furious with me for not supporting this relationship. I can’t get over the fact that this guy left his wife and children, and sent pictures of his penis to a teenager less than half his age. My wife thinks this is my daughter’s one chance at true love. I’m forced with either accepting a man who I think is a pervert into my family, or destroying my family.

Wow. That's crazy. First, welcome to the Labs.

(I do have a bit of residual skepticism for such a wild story. But I'm going to move on and chalk it up to just bad timing.) So... onward...

There are several things that bug me. One, your wife going against your wishes and completely behind your back. That's an issue in and of itself. It's one thing to be feeling the guilt and reconsider her decision, but it's a completely different thing not to share that with you.

Two, your daughter doing the same thing.

And yea, the guy seems like a douche. Doesn't really sound like the "life long" commitment type. 10-15 years, sure. But that's not a marriage, at least not for me. Life happens and who knows what happened in his marriage, maybe him getting out of it is legit. (She cheated on him or something like that. It happens.)

However, your daughter is considered an adult now. You have made your feelings known. She actually CAN do what she wants. You can make whatever rules you want for your own home, but that's about it. I do think your daughter needs to be prepared for life down the road with the high probability of this guy ditching her too, but who knows, maybe they really are soul mates and they'll be together forever. She also needs to be prepared to be looked upon oddly on a regular basis on the arm of someone so much older than her. I don't believe girls really think about that. That can weigh on ya.

I believe the best you can do at this point is give the relationship a chance. I'm not saying you have to support it, but you can't really hinder it either, not successfully anyway. Hopefully this guy will prove you wrong. Try to look to the future and not his past. But I would have to address the trust issues within my family post haste.

Good luck.

NO, you are not in the wrong!

And, what type of job does a company send you all the way over to Japan where you don't need to know what paragraphs are?

Dude, you need to send this joker down the road, send him on his way and let him be somebody elses problem.

And since you asked, your wife sounds like she is still in junior high: a major conniving meddler, I'd say. Your daughter is 20! and your wife thinks she's got only this one chance at true love?!! WTF?

And what were you thinking leaving the Meddler home alone without you for 7 months with a 17 yr old daughter?

It's one bad mark on his track record to have left a wife behind but a completely different level of bad mark having left his children behind over seas. He obviously does not have the kind of concern for family you want in a man marrying your daughter.

I'd be totally upfront and frank with this joker. WTF is your deal with my daughter? It's one thing to be a pen pal, a completely different thing to be in a real relationship where the dishes are dirty, the house gets messy, and the mortgage needs to be paid.

At the very minimum, do your homework and find out who the hell he is. I've lived extended periods in Japan and there certainly is a stereotypical caucasian male that marries a Japanese woman, find out if he fits the profile. (Similar profile to the stereotypical guy that marries a woman half his age).


YOU are the father of this family. Your wife let emotion rule her actions; you need to be strong and see reason, or in this case, the lack of reason.

If it were me, I'd tell this guy to stay away from my daughter. End of story.

I don't know what the statute of limitations is on this kind of thing but I think that I would have reported this to the authorities when I found out that pornographic pictures were being sent to a minor. With that being said, If I were in your situation I would ask my daughter if she could really love a pedophile. Whether or not she is 20 years old now or not, it seems like the dude likes teenage girls. I know a woman who married a man that she met when she was a teenager and he was almost 40. She married him when she was only 18 then 10 years later he went to jail for molesting a young girl.

Good luck, I hope this all turns out well.

Trust. Your. Gut.

Explain.Talk. Communicate with your family. Tell them you love them, often.
But trust your instincts.

Don't threaten. Offer everything out of love. Listen as much as you talk.

Trust your gut.

Wow, impossibly tough situation.

In Japan, as you may know, sexual preferences are VERY different than they are in the States. What we consider kiddy porn, they consider mainstream.

My advice is to contact this guy, explain to him that we have different culture in the US regarding this type of thing, and that you have evidence of him breaking US law (sending the penis picture). Then tell him that if he ever speaks to your daughter or your wife again, you will call the police and have his ass hauled off to jail.

This is surely one of those "Bruce Wayne" moments when the man needs to step over the line a little bit to ensure the right outcome.

Additional thought...

To the responses in this thread that advocate "talking it out", I would point that there is in fact evil in this world. "Talking it out" doesn't work against evil. Force does.

Your daughter is a victim. Defend her.

Wow...this really had me riled up now...

I would point out that your wife probably thinks this is an OK situation because if she admitted the truth, that your daughter was a victim of molestation, then that would make her feel like a bad mom who allowed that situation to happen. Therefore your wife has to convince herself that this was actually all OK in order to protect her own sanity.

It's a self-defense mechanism. Cognitive dissonance and all that.

You were not present at the time. You are a more impartial observer of this situation than your wife. You know this is wrong.

You're not wrong one iota!

This guy is a complete pervert... Stand your ground, man.

\m/
Aaron