By Daddy Danny Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012

I know Declan is less than a month old, but I still have to think about his future.

There’s first words, potty training, and teething.  There’s first days of school, annoying girlfriends, annoying birthday parties and detention…because he was annoying.  There all these things that I will watch him suffer through, I CAN protect him from some things.  And some of these things are bad movies and bad television shows.  My compiled list is as followed:

Star Wars Episodes I, II, III – Sorry folks, they don’t exist in my house.  They add nothing to the Star Wars legacy.  They actually take away from the glory that was Star Wars Episodes IV, V, VI.  I will start with Episode IV in this house and when he asks about I, II, III I’ll say…maybe if you had enough midi-chlorians I would.

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – I had to suffer through this.  You had suffer through this.  You could tell Harrison Ford had to suffer through this.  Why should Declan suffer through this?  Heck, I have my reservations about Temple of Doom, but it’s still a million times better than the Nuke the Fridge scene or Shia Labeouf swinging with the monkeys.  And speaking of Shia LaBeouf…

Transformers 1, 2, 3 – I don’t really have to explain myself right? I mean, these movies are pretty bad.  I remember getting so upset in the first movie when it took an hour for Optimus Prime to show up…an hour! I almost cried and I’m a grown man.  That’s frustrating.  Anyway, there is only one Transformers movie.  That is the 1986 Transformers: The Movie animated film. If I have to let my kid be marketed to by Hasbro, he might as well get a decent story along with it.  And I’m not against Michael Bay.  I like other Michael Bay movies, like The Rock and…er…The Rock.  And speaking of Michael Bay…

Michael Bay’s Teenage Alien Ninja Aliens or Alien Turtles – I know this movie hasn’t come out yet, but WTF…really…aliens?  Thank god for the early 90s movies.  Even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time is starting to look better.

Anything past Superman 2 – I don’t really like Superman anyway.  He’s too perfect, but I guess that’s the point. Superman I was good, but Superman II was the bomb!  All the others…ugh… and Superman Returns was about Superman being a lousy father in the end.  He just flies off and leaves his son.  Like I want Declan to see Superman as a lousy father.

X-Men 3: The Last Stand – Talk about ruining a franchise.  Imagine Declan’s surprise when he witnesses that train wreck.

Matrix 2 and 3 – Much like the Star Wars prequels, these Matrix sequels down right ruin the whole concept of the Matrix.  They just crush the ideology of a brilliant idea because somebody wanted to make money.

As Many Reality Shows As Possible – There is nothing valuable about watching celebrities sit around or 13 shows about cake bosses with their midget pitbosses collecting junk from others while trying to sell or remodel their house.

Dora The Explorer – Listen, if I want to jam Spanish down my kids throat, I’ll do it myself thank you very much.

That’s all I can think of for now, but I’m sure when he starts getting interested in movies and shows, I will have a new list to compile.

And I’m not an Elitist, I just don’t want him to waste his time with crap.

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