Archive for the ‘Fatherhood’ Category

The Next Reality Stars: SAHDs

By Daddy Clay Friday, April 6th, 2012

Would-be Reality Star SAHDs: the producers of American Idol, X-Factor, America’s Got Talent and a major cable network, are currently developing a show featuring stay-at-home fathers. They are looking for fathers with 2 or more children living in the Midwest area (which to them probably means not NYC or LA).

Criteria: Who: Stay-at-home fathers with 2 or more children Location: Midwest Online Application Process: Name: City: Phone: Email address: Your story: (how long have you been a stay at home dad, how has the adjustment been, what did you do before and what is a typical day like for you) Snapshot of entire family: Wife’s Profession: Any notable parenting groups or orgs you are part of: Please send your submissions or questions to: nextideacasting@gmail.com
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What I Refuse to Let My Kid Watch

By Daddy Danny Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012

I know Declan is less than a month old, but I still have to think about his future.

There’s first words, potty training, and teething.  There’s first days of school, annoying girlfriends, annoying birthday parties and detention…because he was annoying.  There all these things that I will watch him suffer through, I CAN protect him from some things.  And some of these things are bad movies and bad television shows.  My compiled list is as followed:

Star Wars Episodes I, II, III – Sorry folks, they don’t exist in my house.  They add nothing to the Star Wars legacy.  They actually take away from the glory that was Star Wars Episodes IV, V, VI.  I will start with Episode IV in this house and when he asks about I, II, III I’ll say…maybe if you had enough midi-chlorians I would.

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – I had to suffer through this.  You had suffer through this.  You could tell Harrison Ford had to suffer through this.  Why should Declan suffer through this?  Heck, I have my reservations about Temple of Doom, but it’s still a million times better than the Nuke the Fridge scene or Shia Labeouf swinging with the monkeys.  And speaking of Shia LaBeouf…

Transformers 1, 2, 3 – I don’t really have to explain myself right? I mean, these movies are pretty bad.  I remember getting so upset in the first movie when it took an hour for Optimus Prime to show up…an hour! I almost cried and I’m a grown man.  That’s frustrating.  Anyway, there is only one Transformers movie.  That is the 1986 Transformers: The Movie animated film. If I have to let my kid be marketed to by Hasbro, he might as well get a decent story along with it.  And I’m not against Michael Bay.  I like other Michael Bay movies, like The Rock and…er…The Rock.  And speaking of Michael Bay…

Michael Bay’s Teenage Alien Ninja Aliens or Alien Turtles – I know this movie hasn’t come out yet, but WTF…really…aliens?  Thank god for the early 90s movies.  Even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time is starting to look better.

Anything past Superman 2 – I don’t really like Superman anyway.  He’s too perfect, but I guess that’s the point. Superman I was good, but Superman II was the bomb!  All the others…ugh… and Superman Returns was about Superman being a lousy father in the end.  He just flies off and leaves his son.  Like I want Declan to see Superman as a lousy father.

X-Men 3: The Last Stand – Talk about ruining a franchise.  Imagine Declan’s surprise when he witnesses that train wreck.

Matrix 2 and 3 – Much like the Star Wars prequels, these Matrix sequels down right ruin the whole concept of the Matrix.  They just crush the ideology of a brilliant idea because somebody wanted to make money.

As Many Reality Shows As Possible – There is nothing valuable about watching celebrities sit around or 13 shows about cake bosses with their midget pitbosses collecting junk from others while trying to sell or remodel their house.

Dora The Explorer – Listen, if I want to jam Spanish down my kids throat, I’ll do it myself thank you very much.

That’s all I can think of for now, but I’m sure when he starts getting interested in movies and shows, I will have a new list to compile.

And I’m not an Elitist, I just don’t want him to waste his time with crap.

The 30th Hour

By Daddy Danny Thursday, March 22nd, 2012

The following is an account of our 30 hours of labor told from the end to the beginning.

Miranda and Declan

10:48 PM – Our beautiful baby boy, Declan Day Marshall Smith Cameron is born.  We are all so proud of Miranda (my wife) for pushing him out in record time!  The family claps as we find out he’s 10lbs 3oz and approximately 22.5 inches long.  Everybody at the hospital has been wonderful.  Thank God we came.  WHAT A BIG, HEALTHY BABY!  This is one of the best moments of my life.

10:18 PM – It’s clear that Miranda is ready to push.  She keeps telling everyone that she’s getting the urge.  The baby is very low.  The nurses and our two midwives ask if Miranda needs to rest up.  She says, NO…she’s ready now.  I make my way over to hold Miranda’s head as her feet are placed in stirrups.  I have no idea what’s going to happen, but I hope it doesn’t take too long.  And I hope the baby doesn’t get stuck.

9:30 PM – The Doctor declares that Miranda is at 10CM and that the baby is ready.  I start to cry to myself as the tension leaves my body.  I can tell Miranda is excited as she looks to me.  We hold hands and smile.

8:30 PM – I’m awakened by a hamburger in the face.  Miranda’s dad and sister have returned from dinner.  They have brought me food and figured I should wake up.  I slowly stumble out of the built-in cot mattress the hospital has stuck in some crevice of the Labor and Delivery Room.  I devour the food without thinking, happy to even be alive at this point.  I have exhausted all my reserve energy, but no matter how hard I want to pass out or how tired my arms are, I realize that Miranda has gone through much worse than I have, so I feed off her energy.  I’m no longer angry at the world or feel victimized.  I don’t care that our plan of delivering this baby in a Birthing Center has gone completely sour.  I don’t care if there is going to be this Mega-Bill from the hospital.  I don’t care if I look like an absolute wreck.  The only thing I do care about, is for THAT doctor to walk in and say Miranda is at 10cm and she doesn’t have to a have a Cesarean.

5:45 PM – My brain is fried.  My nerves are shot.  My skin burns.  Crouched on the floor, I hold Miranda’s hands as she receives an epidural.  None of us have any idea if this is going to work, but it is the only option left.   In a matter of moments, Miranda  comes back from the abyss of labor pain…back to her old, chatty, happy self.  She suddenly gets a contraction.  She smiles.  “It doesn’t hurt anymore”, she says.  The nurse tells us, “great, now you rest and when you wake up, you’ll be ready to push that baby out.” I don’t believe her, but Miracles happen everyday.  Miranda can tell I’m still pissed, but she also knows I’m about to fall over from lack of sleep.  The nurse instructs us to get some sleep.  Miranda’s family leaves to eat dinner.  I make my way over to cuddle up on a cold hospital mattress, not knowing if I’ll be waking up to good news or bad news.  I put my head down on the cold sterile pillow and pass out.

4:45 PM – We are still at 6cm. The Doctor explains that Miranda needs an epidural, but it’s going to take an hour for the anesthesiologist.  Great…an epidural.  No insurance…what’s that going to cost me.  Congratulations baby, you’ve just spent another 3,000 dollars of money we don’t have.  Another contraction occurs.  I rush over to push my fists in her lower back.  None of it is helping.  Another hour of terrible back labor and we are still at 6cm.  I realize I haven’t said a word since we got to the hospital.   I can’t take it, so I have her dad come over and push on her back.  I go out of the room and walk around the hallways.  I call my parents and my sister.  Inform them that I feel like curling up and dying.  I try to hide from everything.  I hear Miranda screaming from the Labor and Delivery Room.  Is this ever going to end?

4:30 PM – We finally make it the hospital and get Miranda into a wheelchair.  As she moans in pain, we take her to the Labor and Delivery Room.  She needs me to push on her back, but I just can’t do it anymore.  I’ve been pushing on her lower back for 24 hours! Her dad steps in for me.  The midwife gives me her cell to text her with any updates.  The nurses make Miranda fill out paper work while she’s in the middle of terrible contractions.  The doctor is on his way.

3:30 PM – Traffic is bumper to bumper on the Interstate.  Not only are we trying to drive on the worst stretch of highway in Austin to get the hospital, but it’s rush hour traffic, combined with SXSW traffic, combined with Spring Break traffic.  We are only 7 miles away, but it’s going take at least an hour.  I have no idea why I decided to drive? I’m incredibly angry, I’m tired, and I have a wife that’s in horrible pain in the back seat of the van with never ending contractions.  On top of that, I’ve been told that her cervix is swelling and my baby’s head is beginning to mold.  So, instead of this wonderful, magical labor at a Birthing Center with midwives and a comfortable music room with pictures of Eric Clapton, we are headed to a cold, sterilized Hospital where Miranda is going to have a Cesarean and we will be trapped at a hospital for eternity.  AND THE BEST PART IS…I have no insurance so this going to cost me…god knows what.  All of MY plans have blown up in my face.  A car cuts in front of me without signaling.  This is one of the worst moments of my life.

3:00 PM – The midwife whispers silently to me, her face totally deadpanned, “We are still at 6cm.  There’s nothing more we can do.”  I leave Miranda in agony with her dad and tell the rest of her family to pack it up, we’re headed to the hospital.  We pack our bags as quickly as possible.  Miranda tries her best to walk to the van.  She stumbles outside.  I try to convince everyone traffic is going to be bad, and that we should take a different direction and get there faster, but I can’t find a way to explain it, nor does anybody understand what I’m saying.  I realize I’m speaking in gibberish because I’m so tired.  I finally comply with the route and just hope we can make it there quickly.

1:00 PM – The midwife checks Miranda again.  We are still at 6cm.  Miranda cries in the middle of a contraction.  I push on her lower back as hard as I can.  Miranda screams “PLEASE…GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR THE PAIN!!!”  I’m frustrated because Miranda’s been lying in bed a lot and I know that if we can get Miranda moving and breathing correctly, we can get this baby out and not go to the hospital.  I rush out to the lobby where parents have been stationed since 4am.  They all jump up in shock.  I exclaim I need one of them to help, because she’s not listening to me.  Miranda’s Dad jumps in to help.  Miranda is one of those people that will listen to her parents, so it works for a while.  Miranda’s dad helps her walk around, change positions, breath correctly.  Maybe we can get through this.  I hope this works.  No…I know this will work.

11:00 AM – We are still at 6cm.  The midwife breaks her water by jamming what appears to be a knitting needle inside her.  However, instead of a release of pressure, Miranda only feels worse…but it’s the only option at this point.  It’s supposed to work.  Miranda screams during her contractions.  I push on her lower back.  She tells me to go higher.  I do.  She tells me to go lower.  I do.  The contractions are coming faster now.  There are no more breaks between contractions.   I can’t find the right spot, because the right spot doesn’t exist!  But we can still do this.  I refuse to the go the hospital.

8:00 AM – Miranda and I lie on the bed, trying to get some rest.   I keep my fists to her lower back, waiting for another contraction.  Here comes another one!  Our new midwife tries to help her breath, and tries to coach her through the pain.  Miranda has a break.  I run over and try to get the iPod player to work, but I can’t get the iPod to hook up.  Miranda starts another contraction.  I rush over and push on her lower back.  Her hand reaches around her back and pulls my hair hard.  “LOWER!”  She exclaims.  Another break.  I really need to go the bathroom.  I get Miranda out of the bed and in to the bathroom, where she sets on a bouncing ball.  I spray water on her, while I do my business.  Yes, it’s comes to that.  The water doesn’t help so we go back the bed.  The midwife checks her and tells us we are at 6cm.  It’s taken four hours but we’ve managed to go from 5cm to 6cm.  Hey, it’s slow progress, but progress none the less.

4:00 AM – We arrive back at the Birthing Center.  Thank god we didn’t have to stay at the Hospital.  At best, I might owe $1000, but I can handle that.  Our midwife draws Miranda a hot bath.  Miranda soaks in the tub for a long time.  I push on her lower back.  Then our midwife checks her.  Congratulations.  We are at 5cm and in Active Labor.  Finally.  I hope it won’t be much longer.

2:00 AM – The baby’s heartbeat is high for some odd reason.  The midwife is concerned about it.  We listen to his heart for about 20 minutes.  Unfortunately at the Birthing Center, they have no way of knowing what it could be.  She suggests we drive to the hospital.  Miranda and I both try to come to terms with it, but it’s for the best.  So, we travel up to the hospital and what do we discover…that the baby’s heart rate is back to normal.  They monitor her for a while, but it just appears that the baby is fine.  False alarm.  Great news.  We head back to the Birthing Center in high spirits.

1:30 AM – After a while of resting and trying to relax, Miranda feels something very wrong and her contractions are less than 3 minutes apart and very painful.  We call our midwife and she tells us to come in.  We know we won’t be coming back to the house without a baby.  Third times the charm right?

9:30 PM – Miranda is going through contractions in the bedroom.  She’s bouncing on her ball and drinking Sonic water.  Thinks are progressing.  She’s getting some back pain, but I push on her back and feels much better.  We call the midwife and we go in the Birthing Center.  She checks Miranda’s cervix.  We are still at 3cm.  She tells us to go home, relax and get some rest.

4:30 PM – Miranda believes it’s time to go the Birthing Center.  As we head out the door, Miranda’s parents are excited, as both Miranda and myself.  We hope to see our baby soon.  Our midwife meets us at the Birthing Center, checks her cervix and tells her that she’s at 3cm.  We are a tad disappointed, but head home.  I grab a coffee, as we know the baby is on it’s way tonight.  Can’t wait to meet him in a few hours.  This is one of the best moments of my life.

Dad 2.0 Summit Recap

By Daddy Clay Friday, March 16th, 2012

Am I a Dad Blogger? Clearly not.

No dad blogger worth a rat’s ass would take a week to write a wrap-up post about an event as significant as the Dad 2.0 Summit, which took place right here in Austin last weekend. I may suck, but this conference did not. So I’ll plow ahead with some random thoughts. Read the rest of this entry »