Here’s my policy: I sit in my chair and rarely open my mouth or make noise of any kind. If there is a score I clap and whistle. If I want to offer encouragement, I most often say “Go [insert team color here].” I will, on rare occasion, praise or encourage my kids by name, but I am careful that he or she gets no more than about 30% of my total individual shout outs, lest my kid feel like he or she is the only one I am watching. When the game is over, I don’t talk much about the game other than to ask if the player “had fun.” I make sure to let them know how much I love watching them play. If there is a problem with coaches or teammates, I listen and ask questions.
That’s it. That’s my policy.
It won’t work for everybody. Hell, it’s not even our family policy. My wife yells and screams every time the ball is touched. In a girl’s soccer game, that’s a lot of yelling. She likes to discuss games afterward with the kids (she mostly follows my daughter’s games) and will discuss other players’ strengths and weaknesses. That’s her choice and I’m fine with that.
My personal, private and independent policy grows out of a fairly long athletic career, some experience coaching, about a dozen years as a classroom teacher, and a couple of years staring at a computer reading about parenting, writing for a dad website. Feel free to disagree. Lots do, judging from what I see and hear week in and week out on sidelines across Central Texas.
Most of the parental acting out is just mildly embarrassing. Parents screaming at their kids, getting seriously wound up over the tweens kicking a ball around. Misdemeanors.
For me, there’s a line, though, and this weekend it was crossed.
Here’s the email that I am considering sending to my child’s coach and to his soccer club following this weekend’s game:
Dear Coach,
Over the last 6 or so years, it’s been our pleasure to have 3 kids involved in programs associated with the *&$#@%*( Soccer Club, participating in a total of around 24 soccer seasons, if my math is right. Which translates into a lot of hours on the sidelines of *&$#@%*( games. In that time, I feel that I have come to understand the expectations that the club has of its parents. It has been my overwhelming experience that these expectations are met by the parents of the players in your program.
Sadly, my son’s current team is a marked exception. In the weeks since we joined this team, I have noticed a consistent pattern of parents loudly protesting calls and harassing referees in a way that I felt was not consistent with club policy, and clearly counterproductive. As I am new to the team, I did not mention my concerns to the coach or to other parents.
This weekend, however, the behavior became more pronounced. During a heated game, one father grew so upset that be began angrily interacting with an opposing player on the field. He yelled at the player to stop talking to other players, then told the child to “shut up,” complained to the ref about the player, then told the player to “go talk to his daddy” about his play. The tone was nasty and aggressive. I felt there was a genuine possibility that the confrontation could escalate to violence if parents from the opposing team chose to engage this parent.
I believe this interaction had a direct and negative impact on the game. Rough play worsened, and, only minutes after the confrontation, the ref handed out a double red card.
I understand that parents feel protective of their children, that club soccer games have high stakes for some families, and that we all get carried away at one time or another while watching sporting events. That said, it is my understanding that club policy precludes parents from interacting with referees or opposing players. I think that policy may need to be reviewed with this group.
On a personal note, I was embarrassed to be a part of the team. I was embarrassed to be part of *&$#@%*( .
If you have any further questions about my perspective on what took place please don’t hesitate to contact me.
Sincerely,
Clay Nichols
My question to you is simply this: do I send it? Is it my business to try and police the behavior of other parents? Does this make me an sanctimonious Parenting Expert/asshole? Will my exile from the parenting clique negatively impact my son and his relationship with his teammates, his coach or his club? Am I being a pansy?
I would genuinely appreciate your input.
I think you should send the letter so that they can be aware of the situation and watch for it. We did something similar a few years back.
Although, for better effect, don’t censor yourself with “*&$#@%*(“. If you want to let some expletives fly, I say you go for it.
I have a few thoughts: 1) I’m not sure if *&$#@%*( = expletive or name of soccer club. I’m guessing name of club. If so I think the letter is fine.
2) Send it. You sound like a reasonable parent not “Expert/asshole”. Think if you don’t send it and then the same idiot does something next time that does escalate into physical violence. Then you’ve exposed your kids to behavior that shoud have been stoped.
3)One possible alternative would be to address the parent directly when they are in a calm state but that isn’t necessarily your responcibility. Your’s is to ensure your kid is play soccer in a safe and constructive environment.
Sorry for the confusion, I put in the ^%#%$@! in substitution for the actual soccer club name, rather than an expletive. Though I do ofter refer to fucking (*^&%$^#@ soccer club.
I say send it. You didn’t resort to any name calling, or derogatory comments. You simply state the facts and your feelings about the club. You didn’t even mention the other dad’s name, nor his son. If you are even remotely conflicted, sign it, “concerned parent.” (Though this eliminates the follow-up contact possibilities.) I’m SURE they are aware of the incident(s)… it will be good to let them know that others are equally appalled and pissed off about it.
Let’s say you are exiled… which means other parents are OK with that behavior. Would you really want to be, or have your son associated with such assholic people?
I’d say you probably are a pansy, but for other reasons, not this.
Okay after I registered and logged in and jumped through hoops I’m pretty sure my eloquent point has been completely lost however…
Send it. There may be other parents that were embarrassed as well but afraid to speak up. Parents should just shut the hell up at games they aren’t playing their glory days are gone. Let the kids enjoy the game. We are not into the whole soccer scene yet and I anticipate that at some point I will have to confront some screamers who take the games too seriously. You said your peace now send it in.
I say send it. If that’s how you feel, you go right ahead. I don’t 100% agree with you, but your point is valid. I believe in competition, and that is going to breed emotional outbursts. I don’t think parents are correct in berating other players, coaches, refs, or their own kids. However, there is nothing wrong with yelling, or even disagreeing with a call, if done properly. That’s where a lot of parents lack, they don’t know how to go about expressing their opinions correctly, and then they let the frustration fester. Obviously you know how you feel, and you should voice that opinion.
I say send it.
What parents have seem to forget is that this is just a game. A kid’s game. Sure you can get upset about something not happening right or not called, but that is how the game is played all the way up to professional level.
Hell yea, send that email. Considering what happened, I think your tone is extremely mature and gracious. I would end it by making a specific request, though: articulate exactly what you want the organization to do next. Specifically, eject parents who exhibit this behavior.
One of the reasons I’m relieved my daughter hasn’t shown a lot of interest in team sports yet is because I don’t want to deal with jerk parents who’ve completely lost sight of the whole “It’s just a game” outlook. It sounds to me like you approach these events with the perfect perspective.
Send it. As a 3 year, 6 season coach, and a new member of the Board of Directors of our local Youth Rec Athletic league, we need to hear it.
As a parent, I totally agree with your position.
As an administrator of a league, I want to know if there are issues and to help try to reconcile them. Ultimately it’s about the kids’ health and enjoyment. No child can feel good about themselves or the experience in that kind of environment.
A little late to the discussion, but I say send it too.
You’re not policing the behavior, just helping them do it.
And letting them know that you want that behavior checked and stopped.
You stepping in yourself invites some potential problems, though sometimes you have to do it. Hopefully this won’t be one of those times.