In Theory: Don’t play the “Mom’s Away” Card. Dad taking care of the kids when mom is out of town should be a non-event. Because dads are now equal co-parents, it would be absurd and demeaning for a dad to ask for some kind of accommodation or special consideration just because mom is out of town.

In Practice: Overheard within twelve hours of mom’s departure — “You see, coach, My Wife Is Out of Town, so I couldn’t find Ri-ri’s soccer uniform. Or her water. Or her ball.”

In Theory: Don’t gender daily housework or routines, especially with your daughter. Model for her your ability to handle even those “girly” tasks like putting hair in ponytails.

In Practice: The bathroom door slams in my face when I ask if I can help with the hair situation. Her struggles continue all he way onto the sideline of her brother’s soccer game. She adamantly shrugs off my attempts to help. A mom on the sideline asks, “Can I help you with that?” and before I can warn her off, Ri-ri has handed over the brush and has backed in for service.

In Theory: Do not lose the children.

In Practice: It’s my second lap around the elementary school, panic rising. Ri-ri is on the field playing soccer, so she’s accounted for, but Coop has vanished from the playscape while I was spectating. He’s not on any of the fields, not on a second playscape, not in any of the bathrooms. All the other doors are locked. In desperation, I shout his name at the dense thicket that abuts the school property. It shouts back, “Dad! We found a creek!”

In Theory: Cook for the children, observing the same nutritional guidelines the family would normally follow. Dads are as competent in the grocery aisle and the kitchen as moms are. To depend on takeout and processed food reduces your standing and has negative impact on the kids’ health.

In Practice: Marinated and grilled pork tenderloin, pesto pasta, salad, apple slices, that the kids lavish with such patronizing praise that I’m serving frozen pizza for the rest of the week.

In Theory: Keep the kids healthy! Observing routines will help, but if a child does grow ill, dads are just as capable as moms of being patient and nurturing. Male nurses are more and more common, after all. Get in touch with your inner Florence Nightingale.

In Practice: As the stars parade across Oscar’s red carpet, I’m loading vomit-soaked sheets into the washing machine. For the second time. Because as any good parent knows, the last thing you want to do when a child throws up all over his room is strip the bed and put on the only other clean sheets, then deliver a stern lecture on nutrition because the child went on a Smart Food binge while you were chatting with an old college buddy on the soccer sideline because the child will promptly boot again, this time all over the pillows, comforter, stuffed animals, curtains, carpet and bookshelves, leaving you without any clean sheets so you will have to make a humiliating call to your spouse admitting that you not only allowed the child to become sick, but also that you don’t know if you can put the comforter and Wally the Panda in the washing machine.

In Theory: Parenting experts.

In Practice: We screw up so you don’t have to.