This is a warning for new dads of daughters.  Sociobiologically you are programmed to think your new baby is cute.  And she just might be.   Regardless, starting with that first cute onesy, and well before she can even understand a word you are saying, you are bound to think and to tell her that she is beautiful.

I don’t blame you. In fact I encourage it.  It’s part of being a new dad to dote on your beautiful daughter.

And its not like she can do math yet, or paint, or sing, or demonstrate empathy, much less speak.  She is simply a beautiful baby.

But there will come a day when the checker at the grocery store calls her princess rather than thanking her for hefting groceries above her head and onto the belt.  Or a waiter tells her how fancy her dress is rather than comment on the placemat crayon art she has just created.

The question at this point will be what are you telling her.

I recognize that my thoughts are not new, and that much has been written regarding the effect of popular culture on young girls.

What I want to tell new dads and remind dads of toddlers and preschoolers is that this feminist dad who was keenly aware of these effects found even himself falling into the trap.

I used to joke that I should get a people counter, the kind where you push down a lever every time you want to count something.

The only problem is that these only count forward.  I need one that counts up and down, so I could judge how comment neutral I was on a given day.  You are pretty and you are smart.

Or better yet, one that tracked different types of comments so that I don’t just focus on beauty and brains but additionally on artistic ability and depth of emotion and well made choices.

I now have a personal rule that for every time I tell her she is pretty, or her dress looks great, or her pony tails are cute, that I also have to tell her she is brave, or joyful, or empathetic, or a peacemaker.  The result of this rule is that as I see her in these new ways, I love her even more.