We’re in the chute.
The kids are back from sleepover camp. We have a brief layover here in Austin, a time marked by a bit of boredom and mild anxiety as we prepare for The Cape.
But then comes our annual extended vacation to the home of Tutu and Sir and points beyond. It is an iron-clad and beloved family tradition, one enabled by fortuitous employment at a private school and then a parenting company (that can hardly begrudge a guy some time with the kids). That we somehow manage to pull this off in a two-career family amazes me. There are an endless number of factors that have to come together for this trip to work; the kid’s willingness and interest, health, finances, to say nothing of the demands of work and career. But, at the risk of jinxing it, all systems are go for one more summer all together on Cape Cod.
For the last couple of years, the trip has launched in two phases. My wife and the kids pack and go, then I follow about a week later. This creates an interesting gap time for me. I think that dads find themselves away from the family when *they* travel, not vice versa.
When I mention this time home alone to friends, I usually get a smirk and a “dude.” The general assumption is that I will light up cigars to smoke while I guzzle whisky and watch porn until it’s time for breakfast. Rinse and repeat.
And I get it. But I also resent it. I think there is a general assumption that dads are constantly longing for “freedom” that will allow them to return to bachelorhood, or maybe high school. “Mom’s out of town, everybody party at my house!” What kind of pissed me off about this assumption is that it implies that we’re not really on board with this whole parenting thing. That we’re just pretending to want to be husbands and fathers.
The fact is, my week without my family is pretty miserable. I think of it as a week or mortification before heading out the Cape. I work longer hours. I don’t drink. I exercise a lot. Do a fair share of reading, thinking and writing. Generally, mope around the house.
I do have one huge indulgence that I’m looking forward to unabashedly: movies. I usually try to get out of the house every night (it’s too quiet) to get to the local megaplex. On my list: Star Trek, Taking of Pelham 123, The Hangover. (I welcome your suggestions.)
So when I tell you that my family is leaving for a week, and you make a joke about me joining Steve Jobs in the liver transplant ward, I’ll laugh. But you will have missed your mark. By a mile.
My family recently traveled ahead of me this summer, so I had a few days to myself.
I won’t lie to you, the first two nights of uninterrupted sleep, free of middle of the night bottles, or “binky resets” where I have to get up and place my infant daughter’s pacifier back in her mouth, were flat out fabulous!
After that though, I agree that the house was too quiet and I found myself filling the void with televised baseball games or a week of unrestricted music selections generally turned up too loud.
I’m not sure why it is that folks assume that the dads are the ones longing for freedom, but that assumption isn’t hung on moms the same way. I can say with confidence, my wife would love a night or two free of the family.
Ultimately the best we can do is continue to lead by example and try to demonstrate to family and friends that we’re fully committed to the role of father. Eventually, maybe they’ll catch on.
Let’s be fair and say that taking/getting/having “Me time” away from the family does not mean one longs for freedom. Of course an involved Dad like you, me, or any of the DadLabs members/viewers (the uninvolved Dads aren’t here, by definition) is going to miss his family, but that doesn’t mean the alone time can’t be a thing to enjoy. I get plenty of “skate time” and enjoy every second (‘cept for the slams), but I also don’t take advantage of the privilege either. (2 sessions a week, and if something else comes up, the session gets bumped.)
By moping around the house, I believe you are indeed doin’ it [i]wrong[/i] DC. Try to focus on the GOOD things you are doing for YOU (and therefor your family), like exercising and working hard. Of course you miss them.
But if you really can’t bring yourself to enjoy some perceived selfish time all about the DC, then use the time alone to plan things when you will all be together again, including activities for the vacation when you join them. Don’t mope, instead get excited and build anticipation. Maybe do something and leave it at home for a nice surprise when everyone returns… (Like a new toy/craft/book/game/clothes/whatever left on the kids beds, or clean up the place really great and leave a mint chocolate and rose on the bed for the lil’ woman… you get the idea.)
But I also think you underestimate the power of good smoke and good porn (if either is bad, it’s not worth it)… ;D
MmmmmHmmmm…I’m not sure I’m buyin’ your story.
I believe that you are indeed annoyed by those people who give you the “wink and a nudge”. But I think you’re only annoyed because these friends assume that you want to drink, smoke and watch porn; you’re annoyed that your friends don’t perceive you as a modern renaissance man, who would prefer to read, think and write.
(Man…I’m feeling really bitchy today myself…come to think of it…)