What use is it for a blogger to go to Disney, if not to come back and write a huge snarky takedown of the Happiest Place on Earth? So here it comes. I didn’t like the coffee. Is that pathetic or what? I spent seven days in the belly of the Mouse, and that’s the best I can come up with. Four days at the parks and three on the Disney Cruise and I’ve got bupkis. I’ve been back for days before getting around to this post, because I just couldn’t come grumpy, er, Grumpy. Now the coffee was really abysmal. Corporate giant Disney made an exclusive deal with corporate giant Nestle to provide all the coffee at both the park and on the boat. The depth of my dependency was clear with every gulp of mass produced Taster’s Choice that I worried down. When, on a shore excursion, we passed a Starbucks, an audible collective moan went through the crowd as we were herded onto a catamaran. Disney World, and the boat to a lesser extent, would be much less pleasant if people were not cattle. Because people, like cattle, prefer to sleep in when on vacation. Are most people’s kids not bouncing off the walls at the crack of dawn? Mine were, and we took advantage. The Grab BWhat use is it for a blogger to go to Disney, if not to come back and write a huge snarky takedown of the Happiest Place on Earth? So here it comes.
I didn’t like the coffee.
Is that pathetic or what? I spent seven days in the belly of the Mouse, and that’s the best I can come up with. Four days at the parks and three on the Disney Cruise and I’ve got bupkis. I’ve been back for days before getting around to this post, because I just couldn’t come grumpy, er, Grumpy.
Now the coffee was really abysmal. Corporate giant Disney made an exclusive deal with corporate giant Nestle to provide all the coffee at both the park and on the boat. The depth of my dependency was clear with every gulp of mass produced Taster’s Choice that I worried down. When, on a shore excursion, we passed a Starbucks, an audible collective moan went through the crowd as we were herded onto a catamaran.

Disney World, and the boat to a lesser extent, would be much less pleasant if people were not cattle. Because people, like cattle, prefer to sleep in when on vacation. Are most people’s kids not bouncing off the walls at the crack of dawn? Mine were, and we took advantage. The Grab Breakfast and Out the Door strategy meant that we were at the parks early and Mission Accomplished at the hotel by 1 or so, ready to hit the pool. Fastpass knowledge is something you need, but I refuse to geek on that here.
My youngest, Coop, will have trust issues for the rest of his life. With kids aged 9, 6, and 3, Disney Parents have a choice. Alternate sitting out of a ride or show to babysit the youngest, or coerce the unsuspecting youngster into ignoring the frequent PA warnings that the ride or show may be frightening to small children and drag them along. Say to my son, “Don’t worry, Coop, this won’t be scary” and watch him hide under a table.
If I ran the Pentagon, I would immediately render all residents of Gitmo to the 4D show called “It’s Hard to Be a Bug” and watch them confess. That damage may be permanent.
Overall Ease of Beer Acquisition: Good
Arrived at Epcot (back door) on the first day, walked about fifty yards into mini-England and found myself abreast of a mini-pub with full size curbside beer taps vending Harp and Bass. Good sign. The Magic Kingdom was pretty much the only place where you couldn’t find a refreshing mid-afternoon attitude adjustment. The Cruise, well, can’t really remember that.
I guess this is no surprise, but Disney is no place for child with a morbid terror of people in costumes. “Character Breakfast” is my daughter’s idea of hell. (My wife, too.) Must be hard to pick up on social cues inside one of those suits. If the child is cowering in fear, that is not an invitation for you to lean over and bonk them with the big plastic head for a “kiss.” Cue screams and tears.
My two favorite moments, and maybe this will not surprise you, were pure Disnified Hambone, cornball showbiz. The first event was called “Jedi Training Camp” or something similar — found in the Hollywood Studios park near the “Star Tours” ride. In this show, the Jedi Master invites a group of kids on stage to show them how to whirl around a plastic light saber. Hammy canned dialog with laff lines aplenty aimed at parents was classic Disney. Then, in a perfect moment of living vicariously, my son lived out my greatest childhood fantasy.

I also loved the uber-hokey “Hoop-Dee-Doo Review” because it involved a boat ride, fried chicken, ample brewskis, and a show so frozen in amber that not a single moment of choreography had changed since my wife watched the show as a girl (just a very few years ago).
I’m not sure I’m headed right back to the parks, but I’m all over that 7-day Disney Cruise as soon as I can find somebody to pay for it. This blog brought to you by Tutu and Sir. Many, many, many thanks.