On the always solid assumption that mild weather had settled in for good, my wife and I planned a short trip over Thanksgiving (I know, I know – hypocrite) just down to San Antonio where we would meet my parents and my sister. We would frolic in heated pools and venture to nearby theme parks and dine on roasted turkey. Good American Times.
Then they called off global warming, and it all went to hell.

The mercury plummets, the sleety rain slashes, and we’re all crammed into hotel rooms. I’m getting snarly. The family must move or explode.

On Friday this led us on an adventure we’ll call Shivering with Shamu. Let me say this about going to Sea World in the freezing rain: no lines, I related to the penguins, easy to keep kids from wanting to sit in the “splash zone,” the beluga whales had ironic little smirks during their show, kids don’t beg for overpriced frozen treats.

In truth, the kids didn’t really seem to enjoy the park any less than when it’s 100. The adults were a little less enthusiastic (“Is the aquarium heated?”). Overall it was a successful day.

The next day the weather was even worse, and things got desperate. How desperate? So desperate that I loaded up the family in the minivan and took them across the freeway to Bass Pro Shops. In case you’ve never been, Bass Pro Shops is to the average sporting goods store what Bill Gates’ house is to your house.

In gereral, I’m more Knife and Fork than Fin and Feather when it comes to the out of doors, but I’m trying to avoid a CPS moment, so Larry the Cable Guy concerns aside, we’re headed to the Pro Shops. First impression: they have a wider variety of stuffed species than the average natural history museum. The place is taxidermy paradise. Which thrills Coop, my youngest. My daughter is fascinated by the trout stream/catfishpond/humungous freshwater game species tank.

My oldest, Bubba, after climbing in all the boats, on all the ATVs, past all the AirSoft guns finally gasped at me, “Daddy, my Little Boy Brain is spinning!”

My daughter was the first to tire (actually my vegetarian sister, much to her credit, was the first to tire, but said nothing), so we hauled our camp chairs ($6 soccer dad special) and fishing lures (don’t tell Sir) to the checkout and headed out into the wintery mix.

Total cost for family of 5 : $41
Time killed: 78 minutes
Number of Family Members Selecting Bass Pro Shops as Best Family Outing of the Trip: 2 (I’m not saying)