Join Dad Labs
Sane Parents Guide
First Time Parents
First time parents are so sweet. The way they think that no one has ever had a baby before, or that their baby is the cutest in the world, or that the child's needs come before everything and everyone else's in the universe. Actually they're annoying. Daddy Clay and Daddy Brad rant and rave striking out at the first timers with little regard for health or safety. Watch this episode and you won't know who needs to chill out more, new parents or the unstable and slightly neurotic hosts. DadLabs Ep. 65 The Lounge.
Daddy Clay: Welcome to the DadLab Lounge. Today we want to extend a special welcome and hello to you first time parents because you annoy the crap out of us.
Daddy Brad: Yes, yes. You’re a little overbearing.
Daddy Clay: We’ve got three kids – I’ve got three. Brad’s got two. And every time we run into first time parents it reminds us of the pain in the ass we were when we first had kids.
Daddy Brad: Yes, because we were first time parents. That’s kind of sequentially the way it works, first and then second.
Daddy Clay: A couple things that we just want to help you out with. All surfaces are not poisonous.
Daddy Brad: That’s right.
Daddy Clay: As a matter of fact. And all basic household items are not potential dangers.
Daddy Brad: And kids cannot choke on a softball. Unless they’ve got a really big mouth.
Daddy Clay: It’s true.
Daddy Brad: Which is another story.
Daddy Clay: It’s true. So there are some things – some things – for example, helmets good. On the swing, unnecessary.
Daddy Brad: On horses and bicycles yes, and the scooters, but not on the swing.
Daddy Clay: Yes.
Daddy Brad: And if they’re on the bed and it’s a carpeted floor you probably don’t need a helmet…
Daddy Clay: No helmet, because that…
Daddy Brad: Because ‘smack’ and they’re okay.
Daddy Clay: No helmet in that circumstance.
Daddy Brad: Let ‘em skin they’re knees, its okay.
Daddy Clay: You know, the other day I was in the day care with this other parent and the child said they were thirsty so I was passing out some drinks. And suddenly everything went into slow motions – this father was going ‘Nooooooo’ and like threw himself in front of me. And he, uh, hadn’t read the label.
Daddy Brad: Oh yeah, don’t give that to my child it might cause….it’s my first born…he’s gonna be pretty smart and responsible and those kinds of things.
Daddy Clay: It’s like, Tree Top apple, 100% - dude, un-pucker.
Daddy Brad: Yeah, they’re gonna be okay.
Daddy Clay: Un-pucker – you know what I’m saying? Un-pucker.
Daddy Brad: And a little hypocritical because we were just as anxious about the safety of our children as you are now.
Daddy Clay: That’s true.
Daddy Brad: But you don’t have to be so anxious. You know, I was in the yard the other day putting out some compost in my flower bed. I chose some nice Salvia and…. Anyway that’s beside the point. And my children are out there and it’s – you know, compost is manure. I had donkey dung and turkey dung and there’s like these big balls of donkey dung and my daughter was out there with me and she’s like – oh, toys and she ran and grabbed some donkey dung and she smashed it on her head and she like, ahhh. And so she took these big balls of donkey dung and it’s all over her head and she’s just covered in donkey dung – composted mind you – and my wife came out. She said ohhh -what’s that? And I said donkey dung and she said oh, okay, let’s wash it off. If that had happened to our youngest child, Ohhhh – we’d be right out the emergency room...
Daddy Clay: Hey, Brad.
Daddy Brad: And said doc, doc, doc…
Daddy Clay: Hey, Brad. Hey Brad.
Daddy Brad: Donkey dung in the hair of my child….
Daddy Clay: Hey Brad, Brad?
Daddy Brad: Yeah?
Daddy Clay: You’re pretty much embarrassing yourself.
Daddy Brad: Oh, sorry. Okay the point is…
Daddy Clay: Is that it’s fine to relax a little bit up until the point that your children are playing with poop, because…
Daddy Brad: It’s not really poop, its compost dude. Ya know, it makes the grass grow.
Daddy Clay: Don’t – don’t play with poop.
Daddy Brad: Yeah, don’t play with poop. But your kid liked to eat the little deer dung – they look like M&M’s. Don’t let them do that.
Daddy Clay: That’s another thing I want …
Daddy Brad: A line – don’t cross over.
Daddy Clay: Yeah, I think it’s important for you first time parents that the five minute rule is actually true – five second rule. Five minute rule – five second rule – whatever. The five second rule is a proven scientific fact. You can put the food on the floor for a short period of time and still eat it.
Daddy Brad: Absolutely, it – it – bacteria takes….
Daddy Clay: It’s actually ten seconds with a third child, five seconds with the older children.
Daddy Brad: Yeah, bacteria – it takes time for it to jump from a surface to a surface. They’re not very good jumpers. They wouldn’t do well in the Olympics.
Daddy Clay: So let me say this. I’m a little bit tired of going into a playground setting or school setting with first time parents and getting a lot of this (makes a face). Because this is the first time parent face looking at me (makes the face again).
Daddy Brad: Oh my God.
Daddy Clay: Because there I am with my kid and I’m doing my parent thing and you’re looking at me like … just all the time.
Daddy Brad: Yeah.
Daddy Clay: Okay? This is how the parents of three children do it, okay? And you can give me all the … that you want to….
Daddy Brad: Easy, easy.
Daddy Clay: Okay? You’re not gonna change me. And let me say something. Someday you’ll have three kids, and you’ll be on the playground and some snippy little twenty-something with one kid in the playground is gonna give you … (makes face again)…. Soooo – a little karma.
Daddy Brad: its okay, it’s okay.
Daddy Clay: Okay – a little karma to you Mr. First Time!
Daddy Brad: Center, center – it’s okay. Sensed a little tension there. The deal is, essentially, make sure your kids are safe, take care of them, do those things that you need to in order to keep them safe and have a wonderful childhood. But be a little more laid back; don’t worry so much about them. Because it’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.
Daddy Clay: We like you.
Daddy Brad: Yes, we do.
Daddy Clay: It’s fine. I’m sorry.
Daddy Brad: Yeah, we’re alright.
Daddy Clay: First time parents, we’re a crazy bunch. Buy DVD’s.
Daddy Brad: Ha, ha, ha….
Daddy Clay: That’s all for us here at the DadLab Lounge.
Daddy Brad: Dude – what happened with the whole – did you get all fisty-cuffs with this dude?
Daddy Clay: No, I wouldn’t go fisty-cuffs…but I felt a little ashamed. I mean, just because my kid took a dump and was painting his name with it. At least he spelled it right.
Daddy Brad: Yeah, that’s true. And you know the whole dung thing – the donkey dung, the turkey dung - man it’s all natural.
Daddy Clay: Dude, poop is not a toy.
Daddy Brad: Well, it’s not a toy, but….
Daddy Clay: I mean, as soon as I saw my kid doing that, I stopped him.
Daddy Brad: Yeah, right. I mean, we’ve got magic markers and Sharpies for that.
Advertise With Us
Member Login / Logout
Forgot your password?
Forgot your username?
Create an account