If you are fool enough to want to travel with your young children, then we guess you better at least watch this video. The Dads offer their advice and condolences if you simply must hit the road or take to the air with your kids. Watch for their top 5 travel tips for road trips and air travel. They offer useful advice on how to entertain your family while traveling. Keep family travel nightmares to a minimum. DadLabs ep. 39 The Lab.

Daddy Brad: Welcome to the Dad Labs, where today we’re going to reveal the number one, rock solid secret for holiday travel with your kids.

Daddy Clay: Do. Not. Do. It.

Daddy Brad: Stay at home.

Daddy Clay: What, are you stupid?

Daddy Brad: Travel with kids under five and you’re in for hellish torment.

Daddy Clay: Don’t you have some leverage here? You’re the one with the kids. Have everyone come to you.

Daddy Brad: Do a cost/benefit analysis. Make an offer to contribute to your other family member’s travel expense. Promise to buy all the booze.

Daddy Clay: Airlines have cut flights and routes to try and save their sucky-ass business model. This means crowded planes. Increased security measures mean you can’t carry on any more than four ounces of your kid’s but paste. And that you’ve got to stick in a Ziploc bag for everybody to see. Factor in that more than a quarter of all Americans (that’s 55 million people) plan on traveling this holiday, and you’ve got a recipe for family counseling.

Daddy Brad: And the poor kids! Confinement, constriction, unfamiliar people, places, and food, uncomfortable sleep. And the boredom. And mom and dad screaming at each other. And this is just on the way to the airport!

Daddy Clay: The highways don’t offer much of an alternative. Decrease in gas prices are going to lure out even drivers of sucky old gimpy white station wagons made by Volvo in 1992 and those old geezers are going to break down on the highway causing all kinds of traffic jams and headaches.

Daddy Brad: Dude, I’m right here!

Daddy Clay: So here’s what you do: you tell your relatives to kiss your ass! You’re staying home!!!

Daddy Clay: Of course, that never works.

Daddy Brad: That’s true, so here are the top five travel tips for road trips and plane rides with your kids:

Daddy Brad: It might be time to reconsider the old family road trip. With gas prices coming down and airport checkpoint times gong up, you might want to consider the family truckster. You know, traveling in a car is the most flexible and kid-friendly way to go. Sure it takes longer but think about it, with the time spent going to and from the airport, the possibility of delays and cancellations, losing your baggage, is driving really that bad of a deal? Here are the top five Dad Labs tips for traveling on the road with kids.

Daddy Brad: Number 5: plan your itinerary around sleep and nap times. Leave after lunch or dinner. They snooze, you cruise. Number 4 has to do with going number 1. Dehydrate your kids. Well, don’t dehydrate you kids but limit their liquid intake. Mom too. Number 3: get video. Bring a laptop or an iPod. Rent one of those portable DVD players that hang on the back of the seat, get movies, and let them watch. Number 2: sell out. Relax your standards when it comes to eating junk food and snacks, time watching DVDs, and kids music in the car. Tell the kids it’s just for a day and then let it slide. And the Number 1 travel trick: buy a bunch of these animal figurines, little dime store toys. Wrap them up in colored tissue paper and use scotch tape. Seven minutes trying to unwrap one of those and then fifteen minutes playing with it, that buys you thirty miles.

Daddy Clay: If you simply must fly, here are five survival tips that will minimize the trauma.

Daddy Clay: Number 5: video is important on the airplane too, so fly Jet Blue. On all the other airlines you’re not going to find any cigarette lighters or anything to plug your electronics into, so make sure that you charge everything the night before. Number 4: headphones. Make sure you bring some of these along with you. Keep an eye out for these little ones. And if you’ve got more than one kid, you’re definitely going to need one of these. This is a splitter so that both kids can listen to the same show at the same time. Leave that little baby behind and you’re in for a shit fit. Number 3: Always important to keep the precious binky near at hand. Of course, there is always the possibility that the three-year-old is going to blow chunks all over the binky and you and your wife, and then the flight attendants are going to start shelling you with those coffee bag filter things just to kind of soften you up before they move in with the blankets and the handy-wipes and about the time you got the whole mess cleaned up, of course the kid is melting down because all he wants is his little binky and of course the binky is soaked-. Umh, That’s not really helpful. Moving on. Number 2: Benadryl. Don’t be ashamed. Bank on it. And the Number 1 tip that I’ve got for traveling with kids on airplanes: gift cards. Get four to six, five-dollar denominations and right before take off, pass these out to the passengers all in the seats around you, this is really going to cut down on the number of stink-eye looks that you get, it’s also going to keep your blood pressure down. Gift cards.

Daddy Brad: So good luck with your travels.

Daddy Clay: And if you find yourself in the middle of a real travel nightmare, take notes.

Daddy Brad: And drop us a comment, so we can laugh. With you.

Daddy Clay: Until then, we’ll see you at the airport.

Daddy Brad: Dude, you want to buy a Volvo?