Mary Moore, the author of the riotously funny satire The Unexpected When You're Expecting gives Daddy Clay the low down on some do's and don'ts when your expecting. WIth a refreshing does of comedy this episode provides all the soon to be dad's out there with some helpful tips about keeping mommy feeling good - from OBGYN visits to delivery room etiquette- the Dadlab guys get the straight scoop on pregnancy. DadLabs ep. 405.

Daddy Clay: Hey there welcome back to the lab – I’m Daddy Clay. We’re here with The Unexpected When You’re Expecting author Mary K Moore. Mary thank you very much for coming into the lab.

Mary: Thank you for having me.

Daddy Clay: You’re very brave for being here.

Mary: You seem safe – I’m comfortable.

Daddy Clay: I’m okay – I’m confident, although after reading this book, I’m a little bit intimidated that you’re going to be funnier than me.

Mary: Oh well

Daddy Clay: Which is not allowed. I’m not sure if you got that.

Mary: On page and on person are two different things.

Daddy Clay: Both of those things are inappropriate as far as, because this is a really, really funny book.

Mary: Thank you

Daddy Clay: And I really enjoyed reading it. I think moms and dads need to get a hold of this thing. So I’ve got you here – you’re an expert on this whole pregnancy thing so lets talk about guys and pregnancy.

Mary: All right please do.

Daddy Clay: They’re involved certainly in the process. My question is what are dads doing that’s really dumb? Dumb – knuckle-headed.

Mary: Well I think its tough for fathers right now, because the lines have really been blurred between the generation before them which was a lot less involved versus the new generation which might take it to creepy sensitive guy extremes. You know, you want a guy who comes to your appointments and asks about your well check, you don’t want a guy who gazes into your belly like a crystal ball.

So I think it’s a matter of kind of defining your manhood versus just taking it to a level that is just uncomfortable even for her.

Daddy Clay: Yeah so go to the gynecology appointments or not?

Mary: I think if you can – sure, if that’s what you feel comfortable with and what your partner feels comfortable with. I think it’s a good way to get more insight into what she’s going through in the sense of not just the appointment per say, because you cant really get a sense of that when you’re not in the stirrups, but at least when you hear it from the doctor – you can ask questions and you can seem very attentive and involved, which most men are. But I think just being there, talking to the doctor and just showing interest first-hand can go a long way and will buy you time to be quiet when you’re home.

Daddy Clay: So when does it cross over to starting into your wife’s belly like a crystal ball? Like what crosses the line? The maternity photo – if you’ve done the maternity photo and you stared into the belly, you’ve taken it too far dude.

Daddy Clay: The picture?

Mary: Yeah you don’t want that.

Daddy Clay: You don’t want like the tummy picture? You think that’s…

Mary: I had my husband come to the maternity photos and we, you know he stood by me. I was like “You can be near me, but just don’t gaze into my body – in any way, shape or form.

Daddy Clay: Which leads me to my next question. So you’re in the OB/GYN office, and the doctor invites you to observe something that’s developing in the body of your partner.

Mary: Oh, well I don’t think that’s necessary.

Daddy Clay: Yes or no?

Mary: No! Not if you’re not comfortable – I mean if you’re comfortable sure, but if you’re not comfortable don’t do it, and then explain to her later. I remember - my husband is a physician, and you would think that he would be very comfortable with these processes and he wasn’t at all and that’s the thing – its you!

Daddy Clay: Nice Doc! Nice! You’re suddenly, you’re no longer an MD – it’s the magic place. Right Doc? Is that what you’re telling me? All these years of medical training down the tubes when it’s your own wife!

Mary: That’s right

Daddy Clay: And I noticed you used the phrase ‘sugar walls’ in the book. So suddenly it’s the sugar walls. So its kind of an awkward moment – if a doctor says “Hey if you step over here you can see the irritation on the cervix” and I’m like Whoa! Hey!

Mary: Just keep in mind – I think women have to keep this in mind too! I mean men – obviously you’re going through this experience, but men want to keep I think some mystery. They want to be supportive down here on this end, you don’t necessarily have to be supportive on that end, because maybe you’re just, she may not even be able to handle it if she were looking on the other side. And you have to think about this.

You have to give a guy some credit – when you watch a birth, it was just a few hours before, her vagina was literally looking right back at you, and that can be unsettling for anyone.

Daddy Clay: You know what gets me in labor? Not that vagina’s can look…

Mary: No but whenever you see a head instead of eyes coming out then it can look.

Daddy Clay: Yeah we’re going to get to the whole labor thing. Lets back up for a second and inhabit the safer territory of pregnancy.

Mary: All right.

Daddy Clay: Let’s take it one trimester at a time, and you tell me – give me some suggestions how a dad can bring value, like what a dad can do that’s positive – first trimester.

Mary: Well I think going to the doctor appointments if you can go to all of them – great, because I think there are a lot of doctors that do understand that some dads don’t want complete physical involvement – in the sense that, and its not I think being selfish. Its really for men, its hard to see your wife in a position – bad term but, such vulnerability and the inability to do anything about it – it’s a very powerless feeling, and I think women have to recognize, if he does feel inclined to be a little less involved – like really in it, its probably because he’s just scared to see you in that way and he cant do anything to help you.

Men are very action oriented and if you’re sitting there, the doctor’s the person who is doing everything - and you can feel helpless. But what you can do - is just be more emotionally supportive – you know, go to the appointments. If you feel like you don’t want to go inside for some reason, at least wait for her in the waiting room if you can, and then when she comes out ask her all the questions that you would have.

Daddy Clay: How about holding her hair while she boots up the breakfast burrito? How about the second trimester? What’s going on in the second trimester?

Mary: I think you have to be really sympathetic because in the second trimester are just now starting to show, but you’re having these full-on symptoms or you may be pulling right out of the morning sickness – and that’s another thing about first trimester too and part of second.

Women are going to be having a lot of symptoms that aren’t necessarily apparent – you may feel nauseated – I think its just important to be sympathetic, really listen, ask follow-up questions and you know, just do her evil bidding for her.

Daddy Clay: How about evil bidding in the second trimester?

Mary: Anything – go and get ice cream you know.

Daddy Clay: Okay it’s a lot of car-pooling involved.

Mary: Exactly

Daddy Clay: Third trimester – she’s really big about to pop, what can dad do to be supportive and helpful in that trimester?

Mary: Oh well I think its really important to make her feel beautiful and most men I do think, you know find pregnant women very beautiful especially if it’s their partner, because it is this huge life experience where she’s carrying your child and that’s a really natural time for a woman – she just has a glow about her. I think it is important when you see that to say it out loud, not just acknowledge it in your head.

Say it out loud – be supportive obviously with the physical challenges she’s dealing with, but emotional support is so important because you may be feeling a certain way towards her but at that time, she’s really going to be just hormone soup.

Daddy Clay: And on that, it doesn’t really work if you offer that support to other women. Like wow! That’s a really hot pregnant lady!

Mary: Yeah keep your eyes just…

Daddy Clay: That wow! She looks great! So it’s not a universally applied principle – that you shouldn’t find all pregnant ladies beautiful?

Mary: Well you can find women beautiful so long as its not – I mean I think most women are secure enough, I think if my husband thinks someone’s beautiful it doesn’t bother me so much – you just don’t want there to be a line crossed.

Daddy Clay: Daddy Brad made me ask that question because he’s like… I won’t even attempt to do my Daddy Brad imitation.

Mary: I mean you have to – men still have eyes, and they see things, but seeing and acting on something is a totally different situation, but you do want to be particularly sensitive – although you may think she’s beautiful pregnant, she probably doesn’t feel that beautiful.

You do feel very much out-of-sorts because you’re just this alien in your own skin and there is a lot of insecurity because you are a different person in this part of your life for a while and you’re unstable both physically and emotionally. So you have to give her that reinforcement as much as possible – more so than you probably would normally.

Daddy Clay: Well so, there we’ve got it – according to Mary Moore, author of - The Unexpected When You’re Expecting – first trimester you want to attend those doctors visits. The second trimester - do her evil bidding. And the third trimester – help her to feel beautiful.

Mary thanks very much for joining us on Dad Labs, we’ll see everybody else next week right here. Hey! Go to our community at dadlabs.com – create a profile and start conversations with amazing experts and authors, just like Mary Moore – you’ll find her there too.