Does it feel like you're in Vegas when baby needs a new pair of shoes? You roll the dice and hope they fit. And the stakes are high. Watch this episode and tilt the odds of a perfect fit in your favor. Daddy Brad and Daddy Clay bring you all the options from bare feet, crocks, sandals and fancy sneakers. DadLabs Ep. 205 The Lab.

DADDY BRAD: Where are your shoes?

DADDY CLAY: Welcome back to the DadLabs. This week’s subject...

DADDY BRAD: Honey, where are your shoes?

DADDY CLAY: I’m sorry, but like many parents, Brad has spent so much time searching for that second Croc in a vain effort to get out the door that he has PTSD.

DADDY BRAD: Where did you take them off?

DADDY CLAY: Post Traumatic Shoe Disorder.

DADDY BRAD: Wrong feet. Wrong feet!

DADDY CLAY: Although all dads might wish that the kids could go all Barney Rubble, shoes aren’t going away. So sit back, relax and enjoy the deluxe piece of expertainment we call “Crocs of Shit.”

DADDY CLAY: You better?

DADDY BRAD: Yeah. Okay, baby shoes or booties.

DADDY CLAY: Okay. Total scam. In case nobody filled you in, babies can’t walk.

DADDY BRAD: So shoes are basically expensive decorations that you really don’t need. Socks, right? Something to keep the baby’s feet warm in cold weather. Everything else is a sucker move.

DADDY CLAY: When they are learning to walk – bare feet are good. Robeez, the little thin mocs are also good, but barefoot may be best.

DADDY BRAD: Once they get pretty good at the walking thing, then, finally, baby needs a new pair of shoes.

DADDY CLAY: For the kid’s first pair of shoes, it’s worth seeking out a good specialty shoe store that will give your kid a careful fitting. Brands like Stride Rite and Elefanten are worth keeping an eye out for.

DADDY BRAD: From that first pair on, shoe stores are an open invite for Chernobyl level child events. They’re are full of strange people, and they’re no fun. There’s waiting. It’s best if you don’t tack on shoe shopping to the end of a long day of errands. I know time is tight, but if you can, preserve a time when the kids are rested and fed. And bring bribes.

DADDY CLAY: The specialty shoe stores with their experienced sales people are always the best bet for quality shoes and a good fit. Also expensive as crap.

DADDY BRAD: So what to do when you’re in Costco and you come across those great looking two dollar sneakers?

DADDY CLAY: The keys are... watching carefully when a professional measures and remembering, or measuring carefully yourself. Start with a pair that are a size bigger than the measurement. Go for the classic toe squish move. Leave at least a half inch of growing room.

DADDY BRAD: Watch the child walk and make sure the
heel doesn’t slip.

DADDY BRAD: Now of course you going to ask the kid, “How those feel?” Do not listen to what they say. Kids are really bad at this. They want to get the hell out, they love everything they see. Do not listen to them.

DADDY CLAY: I’ve made this mistake. Kid loves the shoes. Four hours later, shoes covered in mud, feet covered in blisters. Total loss.

DADDY BRAD: Thank god for velcro and zippers and slip-ons. The variety of ways that you can attach shoes to a kids feet with a minimum of hassle is amazing.

DADDY CLAY: But sooner or later, usually around kindergarten age, the kid has to learn to tie shoes. We suggest the you start teaching with a jump rope or a thick piece of rope, around the leg like this.

DADDY BRAD: Then there are the crocs.

DADDY CLAY: I think parents have a real love/hate relationship with these puppies. Slip free, water proof, well vetilated, they may be the perfect summer shoe.

DADDY BRAD: If they weren’t as ugly as a (insert Bradism). And be careful on escalators with these things. They can get caught and cause injury.

DADDY CLAY: That’s all for us this week, here from the DadLab.