Football Fan Father

DADDY CLAY  Hey there, welcome back to the Dad Lab. I'm Daddy Clay.

DADDY BRAD  And I'm Daddy Brad.

DADDY CLAY  This week is sort of a wistful time for us here at the DadLabs as we look back on past years.

DADDY BRAD  That's right. It's almost football season again. And it reminds us that we are merely shadows of the fans we used to be.

DADDY CLAY  Remember when Saturday used to be more about defense than Dora?

DADDY BRAD  That's a great reason why you should put TV's in all your kids rooms.

DADDY CLAY  Actually, that's a terrible idea Brad. Instead, just follow these five tips for balancing your fandom with your fatherhood.

DADDY CLAY  We at the DadLabs feel like it's important to inculcate in the children the value of loyalty. That's why we think it's important to start brainwashing the little kids to be fans of your team when they're still really young. That way you've got little sawed-off fans to cheer right along side with you. Now to do that we suggest reading at night to the kids from these 101 books from Michaelson Entertainment.

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Look sweetie, it's Dartmouth College 101. Look. Oh look, it's the bonfire. Over here sweetheart. It's the bonfire. It's where Daddy went to school. 1 2 3. Actually, you know what, Dartmouth's really expensive, let's not go there. How about state school? Look, it's Bevo, the happy bull. 1 2 3 4 years of college is all you're gonna get paid for, isn't that nice? They light the tower over here. We light the tower when we win a national championship. Isn't that nice?

DADDY CLAY  Now if you want to go all multimedia with the kids, you can get one of these DVD's from Team Baby entertainment. There are dozens of these for specific teams, this one of course is for our beloved Longhorns. This is a great way to get the kids on board when it's time to go from Big Bird to Big 12. Now you don't have to go all Clockwork Orange on the kid, just a couple of viewings will usually do the trick. You can buy these at TeamBabyEntertainment.com. Very cool. Matt McConaughey.

DADDY BRAD  Our second tip for recruiting junior blue clip fans is to make the game into a game. Prepare for game day by turning any good guy bad guy games into mascot versus mascot games. Longhorns! Red Raiders! Longhorns! Red Raiders!

DADDY BRAD  Then on Saturday find creative ways to get the kids engaged. Yeah! Touchdown! Skittles for everybody!

DADDY CLAY  Our final child-based tip is just before kickoff, immobilize yourself with a sleeping child.

DADDY BRAD  Oh honey, I would mow the lawn, but she's almost asleep. Shh.

DADDY CLAY  Now the key here is to position yourself between your wife and child and the crib right about at naptime. When your wife goes to put that baby in the crib - boom, interception baby. Take that baby - be aggressive - get that baby. Get down the sofa and quick, get that baby to sleep, because you're bulletproof as long as that child is sleeping. Of course, this works better with smaller children.

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It's okay dude. Get up, she's gone. You're like crushing my guts out. Dude, she's gone.

DADDY BRAD  Now there are the obvious tech fixes like TiVO and DVR, but these have some issues.

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DADDY CLAY  So it's fourth down and he's back in the back. Nothing left. Back of the end zone. Quan Cosby touchdown, we win!

DADDY BRAD  Yes! Sorry.

DADDY CLAY  Our final tip for preserving your career as a spectator once kids come along is ...

DADDY BRAD  Marry a fan.

DADDY CLAY  But we understand the numbers game here.

DADDY BRAD  Yeah, if you can't marry a fan, then you might want to shell out a few bucks and schedule some pedicures for her on Saturday afternoon.

DADDY CLAY  This will either score you huge brownie points or completely blow up in your face when she sees through your pitiful feeble little plan.

DADDY BRAD  So, those are our top five hacks for getting your couch potato on.

DADDY CLAY  If you've got a technique that works particularly well for you, please drop us a comment.

DADDY BRAD  That's all for us here at the Dad Lab.

DADDY CLAY  We'll see you next week.