Co Sleeping
In this episode of The Lab, Daddy Troy fills in for Daddy Brad and joins Daddy Clay to talk about a controversial parenting topic, co-sleeping. Part of the attachment parenting movement, family co sleeping happens when the baby sleeps in the bed with mom and dad. The dads interviewed Carrie Contey, PhD., an expert who explained the controversy behind it. Why are some mothers and fathers for it, and others against it? Answers range from wanting to create a bond between infant and parent while others don't like the interference with intimacy and sex. Is it okay for babies to sleep in the bedroom of their moms and dads? The dads offer their take on this issue. DadLabs ep. 545 The Lab is brought to you by BabyBjorn.
EP 545 Co Sleeping
DADDY CLAY This week in the Lab we taking the controversy of co-sleeping and put it right to bed.
DADDY TROY And we don’t even have to give it water.
DADDY CLAY Or read it a bed time story. Nice that was good, that was good. Hey Daddy Troy what the hell are you doing here? Get back to Gear Daddy.
DADDY TROY Daddy Brad where is he?
DADDY CLAY I think he is off having a baby.
DADDY CLAY Today’s episode is brought to you by Baby Bjorn. If the baby gets so relaxed in this BabyBjorn baby carrier original spirit that he falls asleep, is that co-sleeping.
DADDY TROY As I understand it, co-sleeping or the family bed, is the practice espoused by the Attachment Parenting movement, among others, to bring the baby into bed with mom and dad at night.
DADDY CLAY Co-sleeping can be a bit controversial, so to sort through all the issues we spoke with author and early parenting coach, Carrie Contey.
DADDY CLAY Do you think it’s a controversy, or just a difficult question to face? Talk a little bit about that.
CARRIE CONTEY It think its more of a, its not common in our culture. And that’s why it has become somewhat controversial. If you look at other cultures in the US you can see that just out of necessity of not having big houses where there could be a bedroom for the child or a bedroom for the parents. So it’s not as unknown in other places but here because we have so much space and because of the last generation the parents had their children in separate rooms and the parents had their own rooms. It has resurfaced and it’s controversial to the extent that its not familiar. I think before babies arrive some people are for it are doing it because they want that closeness and there’s the attachment parenting movement that says keep your baby close, meet their needs, having them right in the bed and be able to nurse on demand if that’s what you decide to do. The people that do choice not to do it they’re often coming from the perspective of they are used to the couple being in the bed and that sleep equals passion and sexuality. And that’s where all that happens. So adding a baby to the mix seems really unfamiliar. To be there when they’re sleeping seems really safe. Also there is bonding that happens during that time. The cons can be yes, the intimacy does change with the couple. And some families just don’t sleep well all together.
DADDY CLAY Does the AAP come down on any side of this issue?
CARRIE CONTEY I think now is what their saying is have the baby in the room but not in the bed. So have a basinet or a co sleeper that hooks onto the bed and that’s really good because the baby does thrive when their closer to the parents, but not in the bed. I guess the reasoning for that is the fear that the parents might roll over onto the child. But really in my profession and knowing lots and lots of families who choose to co-sleep I’ve never seen that happen and I think parents are a lot more aware of who’s in the bed than we give them credit for. A gentleman by the name of James McKenna who does a lot of research on sleep, and what he found was when the baby is that new they can go so deep their nervous systems kind of forget to riel them up and say hey come on out. When they are in proximity to the mom and dad they are much more regulated. So when they go into that deep sleep the parents will just naturally sense that and will bring them back up. And the baby will come up like this through the night. So in some ways babies who sleep with their parents might be waking up a little bit more but what we are finding that I might be a revolutionary benefit.
DADDY CLAY So when it comes to co sleeping there are a certain number of stereotypes out there, a sort of break down on gender. Moms want to have co sleeping and dads do not. In my family was completely different, I wanted to have co sleeping and my wife did not. The kid is sick throwing up comes in there they have 30 seconds; she has a stopwatch out. You know you can come in bed for two minutes then your out to your bed and you can throw up on your own sheets. Its not because she inst sensitive, it’s because she needs tons of sleep.
DADDY TROY She can sleep on the couch.
DADDY CLAY Well yes, but no. She can’t sleep on the couch and if she cant get any sleep she gets really grumpy. So far our family it didn’t work. So no co sleeping.
DADDY TROY Carrie was right on it. It depends on what works for your family. To this day our kid does not sleep well at all. When he was in our bed while he was sleeping we would think he was training for Circus Olay.
DADDY CLAY The arguments are really good, it seems like the natural thing to do from an instinctual point of view. But if it doesn’t work that lack of sleep can be very destructive for your family. That’s all for our show this week, hey if you have some ideas about co sleeping go to dadlabs.com and join the conversation there, it really is one of the best ones out there. We also want to thank our sponsors BabyBjorn if you decide to co sleep and the baby nods off in their babysitter balance, it doesn’t mean you need to get in there with them. We’ll see you next week here in the lab.
DADDY CLAY This week in the Lab we taking the controversy of co-sleeping and put it right to bed.
DADDY TROY And we don’t even have to give it water.
DADDY CLAY Or read it a bed time story. Nice that was good, that was good. Hey Daddy Troy what the hell are you doing here? Get back to Gear Daddy.
DADDY TROY Daddy Brad where is he?
DADDY CLAY I think he is off having a baby.
DADDY CLAY Today’s episode is brought to you by Baby Bjorn. If the baby gets so relaxed in this BabyBjorn baby carrier original spirit that he falls asleep, is that co-sleeping.
DADDY TROY As I understand it, co-sleeping or the family bed, is the practice espoused by the Attachment Parenting movement, among others, to bring the baby into bed with mom and dad at night.
DADDY CLAY Co-sleeping can be a bit controversial, so to sort through all the issues we spoke with author and early parenting coach, Carrie Contey.
DADDY CLAY Do you think it’s a controversy, or just a difficult question to face? Talk a little bit about that.
CARRIE CONTEY It think its more of a, its not common in our culture. And that’s why it has become somewhat controversial. If you look at other cultures in the US you can see that just out of necessity of not having big houses where there could be a bedroom for the child or a bedroom for the parents. So it’s not as unknown in other places but here because we have so much space and because of the last generation the parents had their children in separate rooms and the parents had their own rooms. It has resurfaced and it’s controversial to the extent that its not familiar. I think before babies arrive some people are for it are doing it because they want that closeness and there’s the attachment parenting movement that says keep your baby close, meet their needs, having them right in the bed and be able to nurse on demand if that’s what you decide to do. The people that do choice not to do it they’re often coming from the perspective of they are used to the couple being in the bed and that sleep equals passion and sexuality. And that’s where all that happens. So adding a baby to the mix seems really unfamiliar. To be there when they’re sleeping seems really safe. Also there is bonding that happens during that time. The cons can be yes, the intimacy does change with the couple. And some families just don’t sleep well all together.
DADDY CLAY Does the AAP come down on any side of this issue?
CARRIE CONTEY I think now is what their saying is have the baby in the room but not in the bed. So have a basinet or a co sleeper that hooks onto the bed and that’s really good because the baby does thrive when their closer to the parents, but not in the bed. I guess the reasoning for that is the fear that the parents might roll over onto the child. But really in my profession and knowing lots and lots of families who choose to co-sleep I’ve never seen that happen and I think parents are a lot more aware of who’s in the bed than we give them credit for. A gentleman by the name of James McKenna who does a lot of research on sleep, and what he found was when the baby is that new they can go so deep their nervous systems kind of forget to riel them up and say hey come on out. When they are in proximity to the mom and dad they are much more regulated. So when they go into that deep sleep the parents will just naturally sense that and will bring them back up. And the baby will come up like this through the night. So in some ways babies who sleep with their parents might be waking up a little bit more but what we are finding that I might be a revolutionary benefit.
DADDY CLAY So when it comes to co sleeping there are a certain number of stereotypes out there, a sort of break down on gender. Moms want to have co sleeping and dads do not. In my family was completely different, I wanted to have co sleeping and my wife did not. The kid is sick throwing up comes in there they have 30 seconds; she has a stopwatch out. You know you can come in bed for two minutes then your out to your bed and you can throw up on your own sheets. Its not because she inst sensitive, it’s because she needs tons of sleep.
DADDY TROY She can sleep on the couch.
DADDY CLAY Well yes, but no. She can’t sleep on the couch and if she cant get any sleep she gets really grumpy. So far our family it didn’t work. So no co sleeping.
DADDY TROY Carrie was right on it. It depends on what works for your family. To this day our kid does not sleep well at all. When he was in our bed while he was sleeping we would think he was training for Circus Olay.
DADDY CLAY The arguments are really good, it seems like the natural thing to do from an instinctual point of view. But if it doesn’t work that lack of sleep can be very destructive for your family. That’s all for our show this week, hey if you have some ideas about co sleeping go to dadlabs.com and join the conversation there, it really is one of the best ones out there. We also want to thank our sponsors BabyBjorn if you decide to co sleep and the baby nods off in their babysitter balance, it doesn’t mean you need to get in there with them. We’ll see you next week here in the lab.
written by Clay Nichols, July 09, 2009
@Doctocmac 72 Thanks for the thoughtful comment. What do you make or Carrie's assertion that the vast majority of injuries to co-sleeping babies involve drugs or alcohol? It seems to me that I've read that stat elsewhere.
written by Chapdad, July 21, 2009
I'm a chaplain at a Children's Hospital and I'm going to have to agree with Doctormac on this one.
In the video Carrie says that she has not seen injuries due to co-sleeping. I have never seen "injuries" either, death of the infant is far more common than injuries when co-sleeping goes wrong. Perhaps the vast majority of co-sleeping works out perfectly fine, the question is do you want to take that risk? In a neighboring hospital a father was co-sleeping in the hospital the day the baby was born to take a nap. Dad rolled over and killed his 1 day old child. It's something I have seen multiple times. As to drugs or alcohol being involved, they have not been a factor in my own personal observations.
Most people read such comments and will say "that won't happen to me". Trust me, it can happen to you too. The guilt parents feel, justifiably in some cases, is intense. Not to mention the ramifications it can have on a marriage or relationship of any kind. I've seen families divorce and get into legal battles over custody of other children as well in these situations.
In my book, safety always trumps relationship building or whatever supposed pluses to co-sleeping. You put a fence around your pool, you lock your fridge and toilet seat, cover your outlets. Yet, it's a good idea to have an unconscious 200lb man rolling around inches from your baby? Yea.
In the video Carrie says that she has not seen injuries due to co-sleeping. I have never seen "injuries" either, death of the infant is far more common than injuries when co-sleeping goes wrong. Perhaps the vast majority of co-sleeping works out perfectly fine, the question is do you want to take that risk? In a neighboring hospital a father was co-sleeping in the hospital the day the baby was born to take a nap. Dad rolled over and killed his 1 day old child. It's something I have seen multiple times. As to drugs or alcohol being involved, they have not been a factor in my own personal observations.
Most people read such comments and will say "that won't happen to me". Trust me, it can happen to you too. The guilt parents feel, justifiably in some cases, is intense. Not to mention the ramifications it can have on a marriage or relationship of any kind. I've seen families divorce and get into legal battles over custody of other children as well in these situations.
In my book, safety always trumps relationship building or whatever supposed pluses to co-sleeping. You put a fence around your pool, you lock your fridge and toilet seat, cover your outlets. Yet, it's a good idea to have an unconscious 200lb man rolling around inches from your baby? Yea.
written by Paul Fisher, July 27, 2009
I have never commented before, but I am passionate about this topic and wanted to put in my thoughts.
I have co-slept with both of my children (1 & 4) and thought it was a great benefit to our family. Besides the bonding issues, we were all able to get much, much more sleep than other families with newborns. My wife would feed the baby before anyone even woke up.
There are safety issues with co-sleeping just like there are safety issues with cribs. If they are followed, then the level of safety should be very high. I have not seen a definitive study on this topic that shows co-sleeping is dangerous (I also have read the vast majority of deaths involve drugs or alcohol). The studies out there have not taken into account if basic safety precautions were followed (don't co-sleep on the couch, don't co-sleep if you are on drugs, etc.). Plus, many more kids die in cribs every year than die co-sleeping.
As for the intimacy issues, as noted in the video, most houses have many rooms. Plus, both parents will most likely be much better rested than if they were getting up 3 times I night to go into the other room.
I just don't want dad's to be scared of co-sleeping. There are many benefits and the statistics do not support that it is more dangerous than crib sleeping.
I would love to hear other's comments. I did a lot of research on this with my first child, because I was nervous about co-sleeping.
I have co-slept with both of my children (1 & 4) and thought it was a great benefit to our family. Besides the bonding issues, we were all able to get much, much more sleep than other families with newborns. My wife would feed the baby before anyone even woke up.
There are safety issues with co-sleeping just like there are safety issues with cribs. If they are followed, then the level of safety should be very high. I have not seen a definitive study on this topic that shows co-sleeping is dangerous (I also have read the vast majority of deaths involve drugs or alcohol). The studies out there have not taken into account if basic safety precautions were followed (don't co-sleep on the couch, don't co-sleep if you are on drugs, etc.). Plus, many more kids die in cribs every year than die co-sleeping.
As for the intimacy issues, as noted in the video, most houses have many rooms. Plus, both parents will most likely be much better rested than if they were getting up 3 times I night to go into the other room.
I just don't want dad's to be scared of co-sleeping. There are many benefits and the statistics do not support that it is more dangerous than crib sleeping.
I would love to hear other's comments. I did a lot of research on this with my first child, because I was nervous about co-sleeping.
written by DaddyQ, October 15, 2009
I'm an American from Wisconsin that's been living in Japan for the last 9 years, and I have a 5-year-old son.
In Japan, co-sleeping is standard and assumed. Of course there are exceptions, but most people sleep in the same room (if not the same futon) with their child until at least elementary school. We still sleep in the same bed with our five-year-old now.
Of course there are dangers for very young infants. You can't even bring your baby home from the hospital in Japan until they're 1 week old, and the going common sense is that you don't take them outside until they're one month old. Newborns are generally put on a small futon that is next to the parents futon in the same room. The mother generally wakes up once every 3 hours to breastfeed initially, and if anything the working husband will go to a separate room for the first few months. (Many, including me, stay put in the bedroom with mother and baby.)
I do generally roll around in my sleep somewhat, but I've never rolled over on my son, and he still sleeps in the middle of the bed between me and my wife. (This doesn't inhibit our conjugal relationship somehow, as he sleeps like a log. Somehow we get away with all kinds of craziness while he snores a few feet away.)
Basically, I think this is a cultural issue. It's normal in Japan, so no one thinks it's odd here. In the States, parents co-sleeping with a child over 12 months old can nearly be accused of sexual abuse, so I imagine there's some stigma depending on the community. But children all over the world co-sleep nearly until adolescence or adulthood depending on the country and space available. And they're fine.
In Japan, co-sleeping is standard and assumed. Of course there are exceptions, but most people sleep in the same room (if not the same futon) with their child until at least elementary school. We still sleep in the same bed with our five-year-old now.
Of course there are dangers for very young infants. You can't even bring your baby home from the hospital in Japan until they're 1 week old, and the going common sense is that you don't take them outside until they're one month old. Newborns are generally put on a small futon that is next to the parents futon in the same room. The mother generally wakes up once every 3 hours to breastfeed initially, and if anything the working husband will go to a separate room for the first few months. (Many, including me, stay put in the bedroom with mother and baby.)
I do generally roll around in my sleep somewhat, but I've never rolled over on my son, and he still sleeps in the middle of the bed between me and my wife. (This doesn't inhibit our conjugal relationship somehow, as he sleeps like a log. Somehow we get away with all kinds of craziness while he snores a few feet away.)
Basically, I think this is a cultural issue. It's normal in Japan, so no one thinks it's odd here. In the States, parents co-sleeping with a child over 12 months old can nearly be accused of sexual abuse, so I imagine there's some stigma depending on the community. But children all over the world co-sleep nearly until adolescence or adulthood depending on the country and space available. And they're fine.
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Even sleeping in the same room with parents beyond a month or so isn't a great idea as this could create legitimate intimacy issues between the baby's parents... and THAT's certainly not good for baby.