Breast Pump Dad

Have you ever wondered what it must feel like to be hooked up to a breast pump? Now lots of moms know this feeling very well, because if you're a working mom, and most moms are, and you want your baby to get the benefits of breastfeeding, over 100 ingredients not found in formula, then you're gonna have to hook yourself up to one of these.

Daddy Clay points to a black bag.

This is your basic, portable breast pump. This is, in essence, a milk machine for people. Daddy Brad, tell us a little bit about the apparatus.      

Daddy Brad: Hey Clay, this funnel shaped device screws onto this bottle, and it's connected to this tube that runs all the way down to the pump. And the mom puts this funnel type thing over her nipple, turns on the pump and it simulates a suction type activity,

Daddy Clay: Mhmmm

Daddy Brad: It's much like a baby nursing.

Daddy Clay: I see, and what's the lab experiment for the day?

Daddy Brad: Ok, we're gonna hook it up and turn it on.

(Daddy Brad unbuttons his shirt.)

Daddy Clay: We're gonna hook it up to you?

Daddy Brad: Uh, yea, yea. Do it for mankind.

(Daddy Brad places each breast pump on his chest.)

Daddy Brad: Put it right there. Ok, ok let's hook it up.

Daddy Clay: How many horsepower you think that baby's got?

Daddy Brad: I'm thinking standard leaf blower, something like that. Maybe a Tuscavara Lawn Mower.  

Daddy Clay: Think it might suck your nipples right off?

Daddy Brad: Whew, hope not!

Daddy Clay: You think you'll make milk?

Daddy Brad: Oh, I sincerely hope not!

Daddy Clay: Do you think you might become aroused?

Daddy Brad: Dude!! That's disgusting! Turn it on. C'mon.

Daddy Clay: Ok.

Daddy Brad: Here we go.

Daddy Clay: What's the goal here? What are we shooting for?

Daddy Brad: Ya know, most moms will pump 10-20 minutes on each breast, 3 times a day. I'm going for 30 seconds!

Daddy Clay: Ok, if we could put 30 seconds on the clock please? If everyone in the studio would please don their protective goggles. Because he might blow.

(Music plays in the background.)

Daddy Clay: Ok, thirty seconds on the clock and here we go. And on, level 1.

Daddy Brad: Whoa!!

Daddy Clay: How's that feeling?

Daddy Brad: It feels a little weird. Oh, we got stereo going. What do you have that thing on?  

Daddy Clay: Hold on.

(We see how the breast pump suction works on Daddy Brad. Daddy Clay turns the suction up a notch.)

Daddy Brad: OH MY GOODNESS!!!

Daddy Clay: This is the most disgusting I have ever seen.

(Daddy Clay turns the breast pump up to level 5.)

Daddy Brad: What's the time?

Daddy Clay: How much time do we have left?

Daddy Brad: OH! Oh!

Daddy Clay: And we're turning it off.

(A look of relief washes over Daddy Brad's face.)

Daddy Brad: Whew! Still goin man! Still goin! I can't get 'em off!

Daddy Clay: Can't break the suction?

Daddy Brad: Awh, whoo.

Daddy Clay: Ok, excellent. Now do you feel like you have a better appreciation for what women go through?

Daddy Brad: Yea, Honey, thank you for doing that. I like the formula and mixing it myself.

Daddy Clay: How's the nipples feeling there?

Daddy Brad: Let's not talk about that. I'm embarrassed.

Daddy Clay: Well I think that's another successful experiment, here from the dadlabs.

Daddy Brad: Yes

Daddy Clay: Dude, I'm so glad that was you and not me. That was the best coin flip I ever won.

Daddy Brad: Yea I know.

Daddy Clay: Compared to that one, the pink shirt is like nothing.

Daddy Brad: Where's my ten bucks?

Daddy Brad: Doing it for mankind.