Owen steps into the Book Nook and reads a bedtime story named Goodnight Moon. DadLabs Ep. 68 Daditude.

Daddy Owen: I’d like a cup of that – woo. Oh, hi. I didn’t hear you come in. Most people knock but that’s alright. You’re here, in the Reading Room. Hey, would you like to hear a story? I thought you would. We’ve got a new classic today. Or at least it’s new to me. It’s called Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brow. Pictures by Clement Hurd. It says on the pack it a classic bedtime story that has lulled generations of children to sleep. Just like The English Patient. Well, let’s go ahead and start.

“In the great green room there was a telephone and a red balloon and a picture of…” It doesn’t say. This is going to be a suspense book. “The cow jumping over the moon and there were three little bears sitting in chairs.” This part wasn’t colorized because of budget problems. “And two little kittens in a pair of mittens.” Don’t worry; we’re just setting the stage. The action is about to vooooom. “And a little toy house and a young mouse. And then the enn – And a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush.” Which should probably be put away. “And a quiet old lady who was whispering ‘hush’. Goodnight room.”

Hmm. There you go. I guess we can look around the room a little bit. It’s a family of rabbits and the rabbits’ own kittens, which is weird. And they’re also into big game hunting because there’s the carcass of a tiger over there. Oh, and there’s a painting over – oh, is it of a rabbit fishing for another rabbit. This, uh…well, let’s just keep going.

“Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon.” The cow’s had its nipples sandpapered off it udder and has a small chipmunk growing out of its head. “Goodnight light. And red balloon. Goodnight bears. Goodnight chairs.” Okay, a little compulsive-obsessive disorder. “Goodnight kittens, goodnight mittens.” You know, just because things rhyme you don’t have to put them in a book. There’s no rule to that.

“Goodnight clocks, goodnight socks.” Oh boy. “Goodnight little house, goodnight mouse.” Whew. “Goodnight comb, goodnight brush. Goodnight nobody, goodnight mush.” I don’t even know what the hell…at this point the author’s really reaching for it, anything. It’s like the last few seasons of the X-Files. “Goodnight to the old lady whispering ‘hush’. Goodnight stars, goodnight air.”

What the ---bleep--- where’d the old lady go? ---Bleep--- she’s gone. She could be anywhere. You’re going to read this to a child? The old lady, the old bunny lady, the cannibal bunny lady? I can’t – I can’t approve of this. No, no, I don’t care how much you pay me. No. Scary. Naughty scary. Can I have some more lingerie please? Either gender. I’m not particular. Thank you for coming to the reading room.