Breastfeeding is best for the baby, but according to Daddy Owen, it's hell on your love life. In this Daditude episode, Owen finds parallels between his sex life and eating fast food...alone...and in the car. Follow his six easy steps and spice up your marital love life. Maybe you can end up getting as much action as Owen, or maybe even more, which would not really be that hard. DadLabs Ep. 267 Daditude.

DADDY OWEN: Having a new baby is full of all kinds of challenges. Diapers, middle of the night cry-sessions, adjusting to this new wonder living in your home. But there’s one challenge no one warns you about. It turns out that breastfeeding, which is a great gift for your baby, can have an impact on some women’s libido.
This can be a real hurtle for a couple. It’s like eating. You never stop to think how good it is that you and partner get hungry at about the same time every day. You never think, “Wow. We are both totally up for eating at least twice a day. Sometimes three times!” But when all of a sudden she’s more like, “You know, I’m just not that hungry. Not at all. I could go days, weeks, without eating. Yeah.” And you’re still starving, things can get tense.
So what do you do…well, here are some tips to help you though this difficult time. #1 Try begging.
GRAPHIC: “BEGGING”
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OWEN: (whining to wife) Come on, please. I mean, I’m hurting. Pretty please? Look, it’s scared stiff. It cries real tears.
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OWEN: You won’t be proud, she won’t “respect” you. But come on, what has respect ever gotten you
#2 Guilt her into sex
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OWEN: (passive aggressive) It’s fine. I only want to touch you because of my deep, unending love for you. But if you don’t feel that way about me… no really, I’m fine. You just worry about yourself. I don’t even like sex…
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OWEN: Guilt really works. I use it often… (awkward silence)
#3 Try sneaking in some sex while she’s sleeping.
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(Owen awkwardly reaching around wife in bed)
Wife: What are you doing?
Owen: What? I’m a… was trying to reach that… ah.. where am? What? I was having this dream. Goodnight.
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#4 Pay her for sex.
GRAPHIC: “PAYING”
OWEN: For some reason cash gets a bad reaction, so try favors or chores.
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Owen: (walking through front door, sweaty and dirty) Honey, I mowed the lawn. Can I get that blowjob now?
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OWEN: It’s a fair deal. You do the dishes. She does you. And it keeps the economy of the household going.
What if none of this works? Well, going back to the meal analogy, eating alone can be a wonderful experience. You get to know yourself. It’s a chance get a hold on things. Get grasp on what’s important. To get a grip on yourself. To grab your own penis and massage to the point of ejaculation. It’s nice.
And with the appropriate p*rn collection, you won’t need her any more. See how she likes that!
GRAPHIC: “#5 INVEST IN P*RN”
P*rn is like fast food. It tastes good. It’s inexpensive. Easy to get. Hot and greasy. Steaming up the windows while you drive from the store and sometimes you just can’t make it home, so you rip open the bag right there at the traffic light and dive in and people start honking but you don’t care even though your car has rolled onto the lawn of a nursing home on Outside Art Day and there’s an 92 year old woman banging on your hood with a water color portrait of a squirrel, and you don’t even notice cause you’re wrapped up in your sinful delights and it’s sooo good and bad and good and so good-bad and it comes with those little packets of ketchup and tiny salts…
Whew.
But do beware. P*rn can be addictive. And can have a negative impact on your relationship. It’s hard to recover when you are actually with your wife and in a moment of passion you scream out the name of your favorite web site.
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Owen: “Oh lord, oh my..ooooo battlestartrivia.com …”
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Owen: I’m not real proud of that moment.